


The Comment Heard Round The World

by snapdragonpop007



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Batfamily (DCU), Batfamily (DCU) Feels, Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Gay Damian Wayne, I am not goint to be nice to Talia in this, I don't know what timeline im following, I'm ingoring everything and saying the wedding happened, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Married Selina Kyle/Bruce Wayne, Multi, Social Media, but we get into that later, fuck you dc, just so you know, so just stick with me, the formatting for this is god awful to write btw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:06:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 26,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22422301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snapdragonpop007/pseuds/snapdragonpop007
Summary: Jason Todd-Wayne@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1hHoly shit I’m trending||Jason Todd-Wayne@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1hYou think Alfred is proud of me?56k likes, 146k retweets, 689 comments
Relationships: Artemis of Bana-Mighdall/Jason Todd, Cassandra Cain & Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Duke Thomas & Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne & Damian Wayne, Diana (Wonder Woman) & Clark Kent & Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson/Wally West, Jonathan Kent/Damian Wayne, Selina Kyle/Bruce Wayne, Stephanie Brown/Cassandra Cain, Tim Drake/Kon-El | Conner Kent
Comments: 565
Kudos: 3245





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I can't figure out where I fucked up on the coding so just like, bear with me on that little chunk

_**Alfred Pennyworth** has **added Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson, Jason Todd-Wayne, Tim Drake-Wayne, Duke Thomas** and **Damian Wayne** to a group chat_

**Jason:** what the fuck is this 

**Alfred:** Since this is one of the rare occasions you boys are all at the manor, I thought it best to have lunch together and to ask what you would all like to eat. Miss Cassandra has already expressed to me she has no preference for what is served. 

**Alfred:** And that would be a quarter to the jar, master Jason. 

**Dick:** oooooh can we hav that casserole thingy you made last week 

**Alfred:** If everyone else is in agreement, certainly. 

**Duke:** yeah, I’m down 

**Damian:** I want asparagus 

**Alfred:** I believe we have some, Master Damian. 

**Tim:** can we also have mashed potatoes? 

**Alfred:** of course

**Jason:** I’ll come help 

**Alfred:** There's no need to.

**Jason:** yea but I want to 

**Jason:** gimme like, 5 mins and I’ll be down 

**Tim:** you are the true light of my life Jay. God bless you and all that you do, you gorgeous human being

**Damian:** stop kissing his ass, Drake 

—

_Dick Grayson’ Instagram story, updated at 1:07 PM_

[a short of the Wayne family dining table. All the boys and Cass are seated around it, just barely staying civil as they serve themselves the food sitting on the table. Bruce is sitting at the head, watching with a frown and a badly concealed sigh. The caption reads ‘I think Jason’s got you beat, Alf’] 

_10.9k views in the past hour_

—

**Is Jason Todd-Wayne alive? Or is Dick Grayson pulling an early April Fools prank on Gotham?**

By Tom Gale, Buzzfeed Editor 

100k clicks, 1078 comments 

What a rousing way to pick up the start of 2020 and the new decade, am I right? Dick Grayson, one of Gotham’s favorite Waynes, making a seemingly harmlessness comment in his Instagram story, has sparked up conspiracy theories and Gothamites alike. _I think Jason’s got you beat, Alf._ The quote that could be heard round the world, as some are saying.

[click to read more]

—

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 3h_

It would appear I’ve done a colossal fuck up, as the kids say 

_56.7k likes 198.9k retweets 876 comments_

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 2h_

_@blackandblue_ uh yeah you sure as heck did 

_69k likes 257.9k retweets 943 comments_

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve- 39s_

Yeah Dick I wasn't done being dead yet 

—

Hey yo Jason what the fuck 

_Stephenie Brown sent IMessage to Jason Todd at 11:37pm_

_Jason Todd marked as read_

\--

[Part of transcript taken from a radio interview with Clark Kent]

Gale Summers: it’s been about a week since the bombshell twitter thread, and Mr. Wayne has stayed pretty radio silent—now, you’re a close family friend, are you not Mr. Kent?

Clark Kent: I am. I’ve known Bruce for, oh, gosh, close to twenty years now. 

Gale Summers: My, that’s a long time. Any insider scoop for the general public on the Jason Todd-Wayne debacle?

Clark Kent: it’s a very personal family issue for them—well, issue isn’t the right word for that. But either way, it’s not my place to say anything. Bruce and his family will speak when they’re ready to. I don’t want to push them before that.

Gale Summers: very honorable of you, Mr. Kent. 

\--

_Calling Best BF Ever💕_

_…_

_…_

“Dami?”

“Jon?”

“Yeah, I’m here, what’s up?”

“Can you come over? Please?”

“...”

“Jon?”

“I’ll be there in five.” 

\--

**Bruce:** Thank you for doing that. You didn’t have to

**Clark:** Don’t worry about it. I know how the press can hound. 

**Clark:** Text Diana while you’re at it. She’s worried about you.

**Clark:** Just text the league chat. Everyone keeps asking me if you’re alright.

**Bruce:** Of course

**Bruce:** Jon is over, in case he didn’t tell you

**Clark:** I figured he would be.

**Bruce:** Any time you want him home?

**Clark:** If Damian needs him to stay the night he can. Otherwise before 10.

**Bruce:** I’ll let him know

—

**Bruce:** Sorry for the radio silence. This week has been pretty hectic

**Diana:** I can imagine 

**Diana:** how are you all holding up? 

**Bruce:** Jason is getting a little stir crazy, but we’ve all been fine. I hate keeping him cooped up the manner like this 

**Bruce:** honestly, it’s a miracle he even agreed to it 

**Bruce:** Talia stopped by today. Damian didn’t take it very well

**Diana:** and how did you take it 

****Bruce:** Not very well either **

****

****Bruce:** I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be dumping all this on you **

********

****Diana:** no, Bruce, it's alright **

********** **

****Diana:** is Selina home? **

************ ** **

****Bruce:** no. Not until tonight **

************** ** ** **

****Bruce:** I’ll be fine, Diana **

**************** ** ** ** **

****Diana:** I’m trusting you on this **

****************** ** ** ** ** **

****Diana:** don’t hesitate to call if you need anything, alright? I’m here for you, Bruce **

******************** ** ** ** ** ** **

****Bruce:** I will **

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

******************—** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

******************_Justice League — **Superman, Wonder Woman** and 10+ others_ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**************** ** ** ** ** ** **

******************Batman:** I’m fine, but I won’t be back on duty for another week** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**************** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************_Batman put chat on silent_** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**************** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************—** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**************** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************_Superfam 👨👩👦👦💛_ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**************** ** ** ** ** ** **

******************Me:** I’m staying with Dami tonight ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

******************Worlds best mom:** is he alright? Your dad told me Talia stopped by ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

******************Kon:** She did? Damn** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

******************Me:** yeah, he just doesn't wanna be alone rn** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

******************Worlds best mom:** well, alright. Text us when you get home tomorrow** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

******************Me:** will do** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

******************Me:** love you guys** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

******************Me:** night** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

******************Worlds best mom:** love you too** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

******************Kon:** say hi to Tim for me** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**************** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************—** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**************** ** ** ** ** ** **

**************** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************_**Jon** sent video Snapchat to **Damian**_ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************_**Damian** opened video_ [a Tik Toc. It’s a video of a dog with upbeat music. Text fills the screen word by work. It reads whoever send you this wants you to know they love you]** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************_**Damian** is typing…_ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************_**Damian** sent message_ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************_**Jon** opened message_ [im literally sitting right here. You could have just showed me]** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************_**Jon** is typing …_ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************_**Jon** sent message_ ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************_**Damian** opened message_ [it loses its impact that way]** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****************—** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

****Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1m_ **

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**Do you have any idea how badly I want to tweet about Jane Austin rn. I have shit to say and everyone here is tired of my ranting**

******************** ** ** ** ** ** **

**|  
|**

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30s_

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Oh shit I meant to tweet that from _@kinghtofduke’s_ account 

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

|  
|

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**Duke Thomas** _@knightofduke - 10s_

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

_@iamtheaceupmysleeve_ wft

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

_Thread has 48k likes, 378.6k retweets, 763 comments_

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**Barbara Gordon** _@yourlocalknowitall - 1h_

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

_@iamtheaceupmysleeve, @knightofduke_ Bruce is going to kill you two

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

_1k likes, 589 retweets, 67 comments_

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

\--

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**The Daily Gothamite**

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

_Posted at 12:38pm_

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Bruce Wayne drops bombshell news that Jason Todd-Wayne, thought to have passed away six years ago, is alive. 

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Click [here] to view his full announcement. 

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

—

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

[Excerpt of transcript from the Gotham Morning News]

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Vicki Vale: Bruce Wayne has just announced this morning that his son, Jason Todd-Wayne, is alive. He declined to give an interview in person as of now after the video he released on his twitter, but he did leave us with this statement. He says that “As I’ve said, Jason has been back with us for about six months. We didn’t want to say anything, as Jason was still recovering from his memory loss. While he has mostly recovered, I don’t want to speak for my son and tell his story, so please be patient with us these next few weeks. We’ll come forward with the full story as soon as Jason is ready to tell it.”

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Vicki Vale: this is certainly big news, but it’s also a very personal matter for Mr. Wayne and his family, and I hope we can all continue to give them the space and time they need to work through this. 

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

—

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Trends 

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

1.Trending  
#JasonTodd  
90k tweets 

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

2.Trending  
#theWaynes  
56k tweets

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

3.Trending  
#Politics  
30k tweets 

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

—

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h_

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Holy shit I'm trending

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

l  
l

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h_

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

You think Alfred is proud of me?

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

_56k likes, 146k retweets, 689 comments_

********************** ** ** ** ** ** ** **


	2. Chapter 2

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 6h_

I just realized that I can rant about literature on here and you have to listen to me. Buckle up kiddos it’s Jane Austin time

[view thread]

_12k likes, 34.7k retweets, 659 comments_

—

Jason Todd-Wayne’s (surprisingly) informational 3 AM Jane Austin twitter rant 

By Tom Gale, Buzzfeed editor 

_245k clicks, 678 comments_

The delinquent Wayne child is a literature nerd, who knew? He went into vivid detail of one of Jane Austin’s more well known novels (who would have guessed he’s read Pride and Prejudice?) giving opinions and analysis and even answering questions tweeted at him for those who shared his late night. 

[click to read more] 

—

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h_

Pride and Prejudice is my favriote novel you dick head (I am a delinquent tho, can’t deny that)

_34k likes, 589k retweets, 740 comments_

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 30m_

_@iamtheaceupmysleeve_ who are you talking to?

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 29m_

_@beammeupdaddy_ everybody 

_14k likes, 34k retweets, 98 comments_

—

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve -1d_

I’m half tempted to not even tell you what happened to me just so I can be on a Buzzfeed Unloved Episode. I want Shane and Ryan to make fun of me 

_197k likes, 678k retweets, 1k comments_

|  
|

**Barbara Gordon** _@yourlocalknowitall - 1d_

_@iamtheaceupmysleeve_ Bruce will actually kill you if you do that 

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1d_

Contrary to popular believe, _@yourlocalknowitall_ , Bruce does in fact love me. I know this, because I asked him

_12k likes, 45k retweets, 674 comments_

—

**Does Bruce Wayne love his children? We’ve got the inside scoop!**

[click to read]

89k reads

—

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve -1d_

[attached file of the above article]  
It was a joke. I was making a joke 

_56k likes, 167k retweets, 890 comments_

|  
|

**Damian Wayne** _@animalsarefriendsnotfood - 1d_

Someone needs to take twitter away from you _@iamtheaceupmysleeve_

_67k likes, 98k retweets, 367 comments_

—

**_Underappreacheated squad_ **

**Steph 💜:** did you know there’s thirst tweets about you

**Jason ❤️:** There’s what now 

**_Steph 💜_** _sent screen shot_

**Jason ❤️:** holy shit

**Jason ❤️:** where the fuck do I find these 

**Steph 💜:** I’ve got a whole file saved 

**Steph 💜:** hold on 

**_Steph 💜_ ** _is typing…_

**Duke 💛** : oh god Steph no

**Jason ❤️:** Steph yes 

—

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 30m_

Now that Jason is no longer dead and my internet ban is lifted, I can share this gem with you all [video attached] 

[video is a short clip of Jason singing Fly Me To The Moon]

_34k likes, 69k retweets, 345 comments_

|  
|

**Cassandra Cain-Wayne** _@blackandyellow -25m_

_@blackandblue_ you saved that? 

|  
|

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 20m_

_@blackandyellow_ Jason has the voice of an angel of course I saved it 

\--

**Jason Todd-Wayne, A Man Of Many Talents**

**[read full article]**

\--

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h_

Just because I can read and cook and sing halfway decently and have the general powers of a Disney princess doesn’t make me a man of many talents. My ability to die and come back to life makes me a man of many talents

_34k likes, 458k retweets, 897 comments_

\--

**Damian:** can I please come over this weekend

**Damian:** Jason is driving me insane

**Damian:** I don’t know who gave him a twitter, but once I find out who did I’m killing them

**Jon:** that seems a little drastic

**Jon:** killing them. Not coming over

**Jon:** I’d love if you came over

**Jon:** I have to ask mom first, since dad is off world for the weekend

**_Damian_ ** _is calling…_

_…_

_…_

“...hello?”

“Hi.”

“What’s up?”

“Nothing I just...missed your voice.”

“Awww, Dami, that’s so cute!”

“I’ll kill you if you tell anyone.”

“I know.” 

\--

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 9h_

Since Bruce wont let me unveil my tragic backstory via Buzzfeed Unsolved (my apologies to the boys) [thread]

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve_

My moms a bitch (the biological one. Selina is wonderful) and cast me aside in a Shakespear worthy display of fire and that explosion i’m sure you all heard about way back when I first died. Tim likes to tell me it was on the news for weeks.

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve_

But surprise bitch I lived

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve_

I went backpacking around Africa to find myself, both literally and figuratively. 

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve_

Jk, I spent like, 9 months in a hospital. I have enough pins and rods in my body to make metal detectors weep. Airplane travel is a nightmare.

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve_

Then I went backpacking around America to find myself. Took me like, 5 years, but I did it. 

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve_

Not very exciting, but that’s the story

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve_

Just saying, _@brucewayneoffical_ Shane and Ryan would have made this way more interesting

_459k likes, 348k retweets, 1k comments_

\--

**Jason Todd-Wayne and the ‘Backpacking around America’ Story**

By Karen Tail

Jason Todd-Wayne has shared his story in his now famous twitter threads, but he left a lot detail out. What happened in Africa? What happened when he returned to America? Did he remember everything all at once or did it come back in pieces? We want answers just as much as we speculate on them.

[click here for full article]

_786k clicks, 5000+ comments_

\--

**Bruce Wayne** _@brucewayneoffical - 1h_

Jason you are going to be the death of me

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 39m_

Yeah, but you love me. You have to. I called no take backs

_12k likes, 49k retweets, 69 comments_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can all but promise you updates are not going to be this fast, I just had a bit of free time today


	3. Chapter 3

J **ason Todd-Wayne on Vicki Vale’s _Good Morning Gotham_ full clip**

_1.2 million views, 787k comments_

—

[part of transcript of _Good Morning Gotham_ interview]

Vicki Vale: well, either way it’s good to have you back Jason.

Jason Todd-Wayne: I’m glad to be back. 

Vicki Vale: But I gotta ask—you got one hell of a glow up in those six years. Care to share how?

Jason Todd-Wayne: (laughs)

Jason Todd-Wayne: Just—good genes, I guess 

—

**Jason Todd-Wayne has come out with his full story, but that’s not what we’re talking about**

**_By Lauren Vale, Buzzfeed editor_**

Jason walked out onto the set of Good Morning Gotham in a full Armani and a dazzling smile and snatched not just the heart of host Vicki Vale, but took the nation's heart with hers. He’s not the little boy we knew, not anymore. Jason got one hell of a growth spurt, and we are living for it. 

[click for full article] 

_689k clicks, 3k comments_

—

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2d_

Yes. I am taller than Bruce 

_79k likes, 347k retweets, 769 comments_

—

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 1d_

Jason has so many thirst tweets wtf

|  
|

**Stephanie Brown** _@spoileralert -1d_

_@blackandblue_ you’re just mad that he’s hotter than you now

_134k likes, 457 retweets, 398 comments_

\--

**Selina:** how quickly can you get out of the office? 

**Bruce:** I can leave now. Why?

**Selina:** Jason called

**Selina:** he’s having a rough time right now. Alfred and Cass are with him, but he asked me if we could come home 

**_Bruce_ is calling _Selina_ …**

“Bruce, he’s okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“He told me it’s just an off day. He just wants us home to see our faces, that’s all. You know how that is--you do the same thing, babe.”

“I’ll come pick you up?”

“I’m walking to the store right now. You can come get me from there.” 

“Okay. Okay—I’m leaving right now.”

“Bruce?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re a wonderful father. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.”

“...”

“Love you, Bat.”

“Love you too, Cat.”

—

**Jason Todd** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30m_

I want a dog

_13k likes, 29k retweets, 57 comments_

\--

**Duke Thomas** _@knightofduke - 1d_

We got Jason a dog

_23k likes, 39k retweets, 347 comments_

\--

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Instagram page, new post at 2:47pm_

[the picture is taken in the Wayne manor living room. Jason is laying on the floor, a giant dog on top of him. You can barely see him through the fur, but he’s grinning. Bruce is off to the side, holding several bags. Selina is next to him holding a stack of papers. Cassandra has captioned it as ‘Her name is Pam’] 

_39k likes, 467 comments_

\--

**Duke Thomas** _@knightofduke - 1d_

Pam isn’t even mine but I would literally kill a man for her

|  
|

**Damian Wayne** _@animalsarefriendsnotfood - 1d_

_@knightofduke_ glad to see we finally agree on something

_69k likes, 348k retweets, 589 comments_

\--

**Kon** : so

**Kon** : Jon’s birthday is coming up

**Tim:** yes it is

**Kon:** and Lois wants to throw him a surprise party

**Tim** : okay?? 

**Tim:** shouldn’t you be texting Damian???

**Kon** : I did

**Kon:** But I specifically need your help specifically in the surprise department

**Tim** : that’s a lot of specifics 

**Kon** : you’re a lot of specifics 😘

**Tim** : I hate you

**Kon** : no you don’t 

\--

_**Kon** has added **Lois Slain, Sperm Donor, Timmy💕💕💕, Sweet Kara,** and **Jon’s Boyf** to group chat_

_**Kon** has renamed chat **Operation Scare The Crap Out Of Jon**_

**Kon:** lets get this bread

**Timmy💕💕💕:** I actually hate you

**Kon** : nah

\--

**Damian** : I need to ask you a favor

**Alfred** : Of course. 

**Damian:** I need to learn how to make a cake

**Alfred:** If you’re not busy, I’d be more than happy to meet you in the kitchen. 

**Damian:** I’ll be right down

\--

As the Wayne Charity Gala draws nearer, the question on everyone’s mind is will Jason be there? 

The Wayne’s have gone quiet about Jason, and while it’s been a few weeks since he walked out on the Good Morning Gotham set in a full three piece and artfully styled hair (and my goodness, can we talk about that white streak, ladies? It made my heart melt), we certainly haven’t forgotten. And I, for one, am more than ready to see that three piece resurface form Jason’s closet. 

We’ve seen him out and about in public since then with his service dog and his siblings in leather jackets and casual wear, but there's something about a three piece that really does it for me. 

[click for full article]

_8k+ comments_

\--

**Does Jason Todd-Wayne really need a service dog?**

_**By Tom Gale, Buzzfeed editor** _

Some seem to think that Jason has a need for his new service dog. Others don’t, saying that he’s taking her away from others who really need one. Those saying he needs one arguing back that physical disabilities aren’t the only reason one can have a service animal…

[click for full article]

_56k clicks, 4k comments_

\--

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1d_

Hey, Mr. Gale?

Fuck you.

_39k likes, 276k retweets, 243 comments_

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30s_

I get panic attacks. That’s why I have Pam. Now do kindly fuck off

\--

**Selina Kyle** _@ididputaringonit - 1m_

Neither myself or Jason will be at tonight's Gala. Sorry to disappoint.

\--

**_Underappreciated Squad_ **

**Duke💛** : the amount of people asking about you is insane

**Duke💛** : I’ve been telling them to fuck off

**Jason❤️** : this is why you’re my favorite 

\--

[A phone clip shot of Bruce Wayne speaking to a reporter] 

Bruce: … tonight is for donating to charity, not scrutinizing my family.

Reporter: Mr. Wayne I just want to know--

Bruce: Selina was feeling ill, and Jason just didn’t want to go. That’s all there is to it. I don’t require my family to be here.

Reporter: Yes, but--

Bruce: I’d like you to leave, Mr. Gale

\--

**_Underappreciated squad_ **

**Steph💜:** holy shit

**Steph💜** : Bruce just went OFF on that reporter

**Duke💛** : the Buzzfeed guy?

_**Steph 💜** sent video_

**Duke💛** : holy shit 

**Jason❤️** : don’t tell Bruce but I love him

**Steph💜** : I’m telling him

**Jason❤️** : STEPH NO

**Jason❤️** : steph I swear to god

**Jason❤️** : Duke what is she doing

**Duke💛** : talking to Bruce

**Jason❤️** : noooooo

**Jason❤️** : I can’t let him know I have feelings

**Steph💜** : Bruce says he loves you too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to get sad for a sec I'm sorry
> 
> (i'm just gonna...keep updating till I run out of steam...)


	4. Chapter 4

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 12h_

Pam makes a wonderful pillow and Thomas Pynchon is fucking awful 

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy -12h_

_@iamtheaceupmysleeve_ why are you still awake 

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve 12h_

Because Pynchon pissed me off. Why are you still awake 

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 12h_

I don’t have a satisfactory answer for you 

_67k likes, 567k retweets, 278 comments_

—

**Wally West** _@gottagofast - 1h_

I just went to visit the love of my life and take him out for coffee like the good boyfriend I am and he was just eating straight up pasta sauce??

_674 likes, 783 retweets, 38 comments_

|  
|

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 30m_

_@gottagofast_ I told you I had to finish it before it went bad stop calling me out like this, Wallace 

|  
|

**Wally West** _@gottagofast - 29m_

I don’t care I’m still telling Alfred 

_8k likes, 12k retweets, 275 comments_

—

**Alfred** : do you need food?

**Dick** : no Alf I’m fine I promise 

**Dick** : don’t listen to Wally’s lies

—

_Dick Grayson’s Instagram page, updated at 9:34am_

[a picture of Wally sitting across from Dick. He looks a dream, with windswept hair and the sunlight making his hair look almost gold. They are at a little cafe, sitting outside. Wally is holding a paper coffee cup in one hand, the other he is holding up in mid gesture. He is smiling, looking just above the camera, presumably at Dick. The caption below is ‘what a great day to not be heterosexual’] 

_34k likes, 470 comments_

—

We always knew Dick Grayson wasn’t straight, but what about Damian Wayne?

If you haven’t seen the pictures from last week by now, you are missing out. Damian Wayne was looking sharp in a dark green two piece all night, but that’s not what we’re looking at. He was with another boy all night, and we want to know who. Some sources say he’s the son of Clark and Lois Kent-Lane, long time friends of Bruce, but what do you think?

Either way, we caught them holding hands for most of the night. 

[click for more] 

_48k comments_

—

**Damian Wayne** _@animalsarefriendsnotfood - 1d_

Does Damian Wayne is Gay?  
Yes, he does.

_145k likes, 567k retweets, 1k comments_

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 1d_

Aww. You memed.

_39k likes, 167k retweets, 139 comments_

—

**Jon:** did you just come out via meme

**Damian** : yes. I did 

**Jon** : I don’t know if I should be proud of you or disappointed 

**Jon** : I mean, I’m definitely proud 

**Jon** : still a little iffy on the meme tho 

**Damian** : I’m going to post pictures of you on my Instagram now

**Jon** : oh

**Jon** : I want to kiss you

**Jon** : can I fly over and kiss you?

**Jon** : I’m flying over 

—

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 3h_

Was anyone going to tell me they came out with a second Frozen movie or was I just supposed to find this out via YouTube add

_9k likes, 20k retweets, 173 comments_

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve- 2h_

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME BABY YODA WAS A THING

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 2h_

_@iamtheaceupmysleeve_ Why are you still awake???? It’s 2 in the morning???

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h_

I’m illegally downloading the Frozen movies come watch it with me 

_3k likes, 12k retweets, 57 comments_

\--

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 1h_

“I relate to Elsa because I too panic at every slight notion of physical intimacy” - Jason 

_1k likes, 9k retweets, 36 comments_

—

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 9h_

I may be a raging aesexual but I would absolutely let the mandalorian rail me 

_18k likes, 127k retweets, 347 comments_

—

_Selina Kyle’s Instagram page, updated at 8:57 AM_

[a picture taken from the doorway of a room. Jason and Tim are on the floor, buried in a pile of blankets and fast asleep. A laptop is in front of them, a plate and chip bags sitting by them. Pam is lying with them. Selina has captioned it with ‘I don’t know what they were doing last night but I’m glad they’re finally getting some sleep’]

_48k likes, 672 comments_

—

_Damian Wayne’s Instagram page, updated at 12:17 PM_

[a picture of Jon and Titus and Alfred the Cat. All three are sitting in Damian’s bedroom. Jon has Alfred the Cat in his lap and Titus pushed up against his side. Damian has captioned it ‘I love exactly three things’}

_Dick Grayson and 34k others liked, Duke Thomas and 3,289 others commented_

Duke Thomas: aw. You said the L word

\--

_**Operation Scare The Crap Out Of Jon** _

**Kon:** distraction duty going well then, I see

**Kon** : you two are adorable btw

**Jon’s Boyf** : fuck off

\--

_Damian Wayne’s Instagram page, updated at 8:58 pm_

[a post of several images. One is of Jon. They are in the Kent-Lane apartment, and Jon has a paper party hat on his head. He’s smiling, but he looks ready to take the hat off. Another is of Jon, Kon and Kara. They are all smushed together on the couch, and Kara is fighting Jon to get him to put the Party hat back on. Another is of Jon, Clark and Lois. It’s a candid, taken as they sit at the kitchen table. Someone is bringing a cake, but it’s impossible to tell who. The last is of Jon and Damian. They are sitting on the floor in front of a couch, curled up in a blanket. Damian has captioned it with ‘happy birthday, Jon’]

_12k likes, 489 comments_

—

**Jon Kent-Lane** _@howdareyouassumeimstraight - 1m_

Dami made my birthday cake, btw 

\--

**Are all the Wayne children gay?**

_By Tom Gale, Buzzfeed Editor_

We’ve always known about Dick Grayson’s fluid sexuality and long time friend Wally West almost as soon as he came into the public eye. But recently Jason has tweeted some suggestive things, and Damian Wayne has come out as gay. But what about the other Waynes?

[click for full article]

-

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 1h_

Hell yeah we’re all gay

|  
|

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 1h_

And Wally is my fiancé now you dumb fuck

_12k likes, 23k retweets, 498 comments_

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h_

Hell yeah stick it to the old people

|  
|

**Duke Thomas** _@knightofduke - 1h_

I’m sorry you’re engaged????? When did that happen??? 

|  
|

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 1h_

Uhhhh 2 minutes ago

_34k likes, 78k retweets, 894 comments_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore but I'm having fun and that's all that matters  
> I also straight up refuse to believe that any of the bats are straight


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fucked up my coding again but I don't want to go back and redo it so

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Instagram page, updated at 4:37 pm_

[a selfie of her, Alfred and Jason. They are on a couch swaddled in blankets and pillows. Both her and Jason look like a mess, and Alfred is impeccable as always. You can see Pam’s head on Jason’s lap. Cass has captioned it ‘me and Jason have been sick all weekend. Alfred has been watching Netflix with us in moral support’]

_3k likes, 673 comments_

—

**Bruce** : what flavor of Gatorade do you want?

**Cass** : Blue, please!

**Cass** : and Jason wants purple 

**Cass** : thank you Bruce! 

—

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2m_

I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t like The Great British Baking Show.  
I would, however, absolutely trust Paul Hollywood with my life.  
and you can quote me on that 

—

_**Damian** sent video to **Jon**_

_**Jon** opened video_ [Jason is on the couch with Alfred. They are watching the great British baking show. Every time a bake comes on screen Jason sleepily mumbles ‘can you make that for me’. Alfred respond with ‘of course’.]

_**Jon** is typing…_

_**Jon** sent message_

_**Damian** opened message_ [oh my god that’s so cute]

_**Damian** is typing…_

_**Damian** sent message_

_**Jon** opened message_ [I'm going to tell him you said that]

_**Jon** is typing…_

_**Jon** sent message _

_**Damian** opened message_ [no please don’t he’ll actually kill me]

_**Damian** _read at 8:39 pm__

_—_

_**Damian Wayne** _@animalsarefriendsnotfood - 3h__

_[clip of above video]  
_@iamtheaceupmysleeve_ you’re very needy when you’re sick _

_|  
|_

_**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 3h__

_I won’t apologize for that_

__146k likes, 376k retweets, 746 comments_ _

_—_

_**Diana** : I know you wanted time away from the league, but we need you for an off world mission _

_**Diana** : Hal and Clark are negotiating a peace treaty and they need a third person. The two planets won’t cooperate otherwise, and you’re our best negoagior besides them _

_**Bruce** : why can’t you go _

_**Bruce** : you’re better at negotiation than I am _

_**Diana** : I’m meeting with the UN this week _

_**Diana** : Bruce, I would go if I could, you know that. And this is just too delicate to send anyone else _

_**Bruce** : it’s delicate and you’re sending Hal? _

_**Diana** : the Lanterns have been helping these two plants come to a ceasefire for months. They know Hal, and they won’t negotiate without him or another Lantern. And you know why can’t interfere with the corps._

_**Diana** : Bruce, please _

_**Diana** : you can stay away as long as you need, but I just really need you for this _

_**Bruce** : fine _

_**Bruce** : I’ll call Clark _

_—_

_A year ago Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle finally tied the knot after years of the most loving on off again relationships we’ve ever seen. The wedding was small and only for immediate family, but it was no less spectacular and we eagerly ate up the photographs. With lovely lace dresses and sharp suits, intricate flower arrangements and diamond rings, we’re still talking about it a year later. And now we have another Wayne wedding on the way._

_Dick Grayson recently announced his engagement to longtime partner Wally West, and we’re already elbows deep in wedding planning._

_[click for full text]_

_—_

_**Wally** : did you know people are arguing about what flower arrangements we’re going to have?_

_**Dick** : I did _

_**Dick** : do you prefer the poppies or the lilies or the roses?_

_**Dick** : or would you rather not have flowers?_

_**Dick** : I, personally, think we should go with poppies. They complement your eyes so well, babe_

_**Wally** : why on earth do I love you _

_**Dick** : I don’t know, but you put the ring on it _

_**Dick** : you can’t return me now _

_**Wally** : I wouldn’t ever want to_

_**Dick** : fuck_

_**Dick** : you’re gonna make my cry at work _

_**Dick** : don’t make my cry at work _

_**Wally** : I didn't say anything!_

_**Dick** : yes you did you know exactly what you said _

__**Dick** is calling **Wally** …_ _

_—_

_**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 3h__

_We should get Alfred on the Great British Baking Show_

_|  
|_

_**Duke Thomas** _@knightofduke - 3h__

__@iamtheaceupmysleeve_ please go the fuck to bed _

_|  
|_

_**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 3h__

_No_

__37k likes, 189k retweets, 347 comments_ _

_\--_

_**Barbara Gordon** _@yourlocalknowitall - 1h__

_Bruce has been gone for two days and I’ve already had to go to the manor because the boys are being idiots_

__7k likes, 18k retweets, 45 comments_ _

_|  
|_

_**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 1m__

_You were cheering on the peep jousting right along with us _@yourlocalknowitall_ don’t pretend you weren't_

_\--_

_**Selina** : is there anyway you can come home?_

_**Bruce** : what’s wrong?_

__**Selina** is calling **Bruce** …_ _

_…_

_…_

_“Selina? Are you alright?”_

_“I…”_

_“Selina?”_

_“I don’t know how...god, there’s no good way to say this, is there?”_

_“What’s wrong, Selina--”_

_“I’m pregnant.”_

_“...”_

_“Bruce--?”_

_“I’m coming home.”_

_\--_

_**Bruce** : I need to leave_

_**Bruce** : get someone else to fill in for me_

_**Clark** : why? What’s going on? _

_**Clark** : Bruce?_

_**Bruce:** Selina is pregnant_

_**Clark** : oh_

_**Clark** : OH_

_\--_

__**The Children** _ _

_**Jason** : uh hey why is bruce home early_

_**Dick** : I wasn’t even aware he left_

_**Dick** : I don’t live there anymore_

_**Jason** : I wasn’t asking you, dickface _

_**Tim** : you live in an apartment with stinkbugs Dick don’t brag about that_

_**Dick** : yeah but I'm about to be living with my stinkbugs AND my fiancé_

_**Duke** : I don’t know, but he’s been making out with Selina in the foyer for a few minutes and it’s kind of making me uncomfortable_

_**Damian** : poor you_

_**Jason** : you’re also not here right now so you can shut up_

_**Jason** : go cuddle with your boy toy or whatever it is you kids are calling it these days. duke you can come hang out with me and pam_

_**Damian** : bold of you to assume I can’t multitask_

_**Dick** : WHAT_

_**Damian** : Jon says hi_

_**Cass** : I can ask Bruce?_

_**Tim** : nah, you don’t interrupt him when he and Selina are doing it. Trust me on that one_

_**Damian** : can you not_

_**Tim** : can YOU not_

_\--_

_**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h__

_Holy shit I’m gonna be a big brother_

_|  
|_

_**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 2h__

__@iamtheaceupmysleev_ you already are??_

_|  
|_

_**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h__

_Yeah but now i’m gonna be a super big brother_

__34k likes, 567k retweets, 385 comments_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I, much like Jason and Cass, have been kind of sick and binge watching the great british baking show


	6. Chapter 6

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve -3h_

Who the fuck thought college was a good idea

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 3h_

You did, Mr. Jason ‘Bruce if you pay for my tuition I’ll never ask for anything ever again’ Todd

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve -3h_

I don’t remember saying that

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy -3h_

That’s okay. I recorded it

|  
|

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 3h_

Awww, _@iamtheaceupmysleeve_ is your lit analysis essay kicking your ass?

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 3h_

_@blackandblue_ both you and Pynchon can go fuck yourselves

|  
|

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 3h_

No thanks. I’ve got Wally for that

_14k likes, 54k retweets, 194 comments_

\--

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h_

Listen. Adjusting back to society is hard. But at least party in the usa still slaps

_12k likes, 37k retweets, 103 comments_

\--

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve -2h_

I’m glad I know Selina is pregnant. Now I can stop questioning her weird snack choices

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve -2h_

That night we stayed home from the gala she dragged me out at like, 11 to get a strawberry shake. Who does that?

|  
|

**Duke Thomas** _@knightofduke -1h_

You do that. You have done that to me several times

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve -1h_

Did I say you could call me out?

_39k likes, 168k retweets, 278 comments_

\--

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h_

I don’t understand why you people keep asking me but yes I have had sex yes I had sex with both a man and a woman and yes I hated it both times 

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve -1h_

That’s not to say that I’m not down for some light smooching tho

_47k likes, 648k retweets, 476 comments_

—

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve -2h_

Bruce just realized he’s never actually raised a baby despite his abundance of children 

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h_

I just realized Bruce has never raised a baby

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h_

Oh. Oh Selina, I am so sorry 

_12k likes, 24k retweets, 378 comments_

—

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h_

What if   
And hear me out   
What if  
I got a teaching degree 

|  
|

**Damian Wayne** _@animalsarefriendsnotfood -1h_

_@iamtheaceupmysleeve_ why would you do that 

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h_

What else am I supposed to do with an English degree Damian

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h_

And come home already it’s been like a week I’m tired of listening to Bruce panic about being a dad again 

|  
|

**Damian Wayne** _@animalsarefriendsnotfood - 1h_

Why do you think I’m at Jon’s?

_145k likes, 473k retweets, 489 comments_

-

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 3h_

I keep a ranking of my siblings from favorite to least favorite. This weeks ranking is as follows

1.Cass  
2.Duke  
3.Damian  
4.Tim  
5.The fetus in Selina  
6.Dick 

|  
|

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 2h_

What???? Why??????

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h_

You didn’t share your McDonalds fries with me _@blackandblue_

|  
|

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 2h_

Because I bought you your own??

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h_

Still didn’t share 

_27k likes, 486k retweets, 579 comments_

\--

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve -2m_

I’ve done it. I am now majoring in english ed  
Pam and I are gonna be such bomb ass teachers

\--

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve -1h_

I’m sorry Tim has a tik toc account that’s just me singing? Excuse you Tim that is Plagiarism and I am going to Sue

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy -30m_

I asked you. You said yes. You were half asleep. But you said yes.  
We call that a binding verbal contract in the biz

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve -25m_

Don’t speak law to me you high school dropout

_45k likes, 378k retweets, 276 comments_

\--

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve -1m_

Why the FUCK is it snowing I have to WORK TONIGHT

\--

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve -1h_

There is two fetuses in Selina holy shit 

_24k likes, 574k retweets, 683 comments_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have had a hell of a week so I'm just gonna live tweet my frustrations through Jason for a chapter


	7. Chapter 7

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 1h_

Did you guys know Damian listens to country music 

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 1h_

 _@animalsarefriendsnotfood_ I’ve been hearing Hunter Hays coming from your room for the past hour and I know for a fact Jon isn’t here 

|  
|

**Duke Thomas** _@knightofduke - 1h_

Awwww he listens to country music because his boyfriend does 

|  
|

 **Damian Wayne** _@animalsarefriendsnotfoos - 1h_

 _@beammeupdady, @knightofduke_ I will kill both of you 

|  
|

 **Bruce Wayne** _@brucewayneoffical -1m_

Damian don’t kill your brothers 

_37k likes, 347k retweets, 238 comments_

—

**Conner Kent** _@flyboi - 39s_

 _@beammeupdaddy_ okay but why do you know who Hunter Hays is

|  
|

 **Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 1s_

That’s none of your goddamn business 

\--

**Bruce** : I’m on my way home. Do you want me to get anything?

 **Selina** : strawberry shake? 

**Selina** : Jason wants one too

 **Selina** : love you Bat

\--

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Instagram story, updated at 7:48pm_

[A video of Dick and Jason. Jason is sprawled across the couch with a milkshake in hand and Pam lying across his chest. Dick is flipping through a binder that, if you squint, has wedding plans written on it in cursive. 

“Just make Mama Mia Your first dance.” Jason says. He takes a very loud sip from his milkshake. “Everyone loves ABBA.” 

Dick snaps his head up. “No. Absolutely not. Wally would _kill_ me.”

“I’ll sing at the wedding if you do.” Jason counters.

Dick goes silent, and you can hear Wally yell from off camera “Richard John Grayson don’t you ever _dare_ think about it!” Dick loses his thoughtful look and looks incredibly sheepish. Cassandra has put a text bubble over the video that says “my brothers are idiots but I love them”]

_456k views_

—

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 5d_

If this gets a million likes Damian has to dye his hair pink 

_1.6m likes, 987k retweets, 1763 comments_

|  
|

 **Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1m_

 _@animalsarefriendsnotfood_ hey guess what bitch 

—

_**The Complete Fam** _

**First Middle Child** : hey B I need you to pick up some bleach and pink hair dye 

**Batdad🦇** : Can I ask why?

 **The Baby™️** : No

 **The Baby™️** : and Jon is coming over 

**First Middle Child** : me and Cass are there to chaperone 

**The Favorite** : 😊

 **First Middle Child** : there will be no canoodling in this household 

**The Baby™️:** Jason I swear to god 

**New Recruit** : wait you’re actually doing it????

 **The Eldest** : PICS!!!!!!!!

 **Batdad🦇** : Whatever you’re going to do, don’t make a mess 

**Batdad🦇** : Selina and I are going out tonight and Alfred is not going to babysit you all 

—

_Tim Drake-Wayne’s Snapchat Story_

[the first video is of Jason. He’s in the kitchen, taking a plastic bag from Bruce before darting back off. Tim has captioned it ‘and so it begins’

The second video is taken in one of the sitting rooms. Damian is on the floor in front of one of the couches. Jon is next to him, and Jason is on the couch sitting behind Damian. He is looking over a set of instructions, then tosses them away. Tim pans the camera to Cass, who is sitting next to him, nodding along as Cass signs. “Oh yeah, he’s totally gonna fuck it up” Tim agrees.

The third video is of Jon washing Damian’s hair out in the sink. It’s looking incredibly blond. 

The forth video begins with Damian sitting back in front of the couch with a towel over his head. Jason is talking to himself, saying ‘yeah, we should bleach it again. We’ll let your hair air dry but—I mean, it shouldn’t fuck it up—and anyway, I bought this for a reason.’ He taps a black container that looks like it came from Lush. Damian looks back at Jason and asks ‘why do you know so much about this?’ Jason responds with ‘you really think my hair is naturally black?’

The fifth update is a picture of Jon throwing a towel over Damian’s head. Tim has captioned it ‘the second bleaching is finished’ 

The sixth update is another picture. All you can make out is a pair of gloves hands covered in pink. 

The seventh update is another video. Damian’s hair is a vibrant pink, and Jon is running his fingers through it. ‘I think you look very cute, Dami.’ Jon says] 

—

_**Dick** sent photo_

**Dick** : I can’t believe Jason actually got him to do it 

**Wally** : awwww Damian looks adorable

—

The Complete Cam 

_**First Middle Child** sent photo_

**First Middle Child** : My greatest masterpiece 

—

_FaceTime call between you and Best BF Ever💕_

“I really do like it, Dami. And you need a break from superheroing.”

“Jon--”

“Come on it’ll be like, what, two, three months before it fades?” 

“...I guess it’s not all bad.”

“Of course it’s not. You look cute. Cute is good. I like my man to be cute every once in a while.”

“Jesus Christ…” 

“I do have to get to bed, though. Pa wants to drive down to Grandma and Grandpa’s.” 

“The absolute horror of it.” 

“It is! Not only do I have to sit in a car with Kon for two days, but I’ll have to rely on crappy internet connection all week! How will I be able to talk to you?” 

“I’m sure you’ll manage.” 

“Uh huh. Love you too.”

“Good Night, Jon.”

“Night, Dami.”

_Call ended_

_Call time, 1 hour and 47 minutes_

\--

_Jon Kent-Lane’s Instagram page, updated at 5:48am_

[A photo of Jon and Damian. They are standing outside an apartment complex. It’s still dark out, but the light of the street lamp and the building itself provides ample lighting. Damian has a hand on Jon’s side and Jon has his own hand on Damian’s shoulder. Jon has captioned it ‘he came to say goodbye ❤]

_278 likes, 14 comments_

\--

**Jon** : I miss you!!!!!

 **Damian** : you just left

 **Jon** : I still miss you

\--

**Rachel** : so

 **Damian** : so what

 **Rachel** : how are we liking the new hair?

 **Damian** : I

 **Damian** : don’t hate it

 **Rachel** : awww look at my little gay grow

 **Damian** : I hate you

\--

Haven’t seen Damian Wayne’s new hair yet? No worries! We’ve got all the pictures compiled for you! 

_Click [here] to view_

\--

**Barbara Gordon** _@yourlocalknowitall - 2h_

Wait. _@iamtheaceupmysleeve_ if you dye your hair black, does that mean you willingly leave the white streak alone?

|  
|

 **Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 2h_

 _@yourlocalknowitall, @iamtheaceupmysleeve_ he thinks it makes him look cool

|  
|

 **Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve -1h_

It does make me look cool excuse you

_12k likes, 24k retweets, 237 comments_

\--

**Damian** : where are you?

 **Dick** : i’m in Central rn

 **Dick** : Y

 **Damian** : can you get Wally to run you here?

 **Dick** : I can ask

 **Dick** : why do u need me there?

 **Damian** : Talia’s here 

**Dick** : oh

 **Dick** : fuck

 **Dick** : I”ll be right there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what it is but there is some primal urge in me to see Damian with pink hair at least once. I might, if I can be persuaded, draw it
> 
> I am also incredibly aware that bleaching your hair more than once in a day is A Terrible Idea But For The Sake Of This Fic We're Just Going To Ignore That


	8. Chapter 8

**Jason** : go get your coat we’re leaving 

**Jason** : Get Damian and meet me at the front door in 5

**Dick** : k

—

_Outgoing call to Best BF Ever 💕_

“—I just don’t see why she needs to—she’s not my—ugh!”

“I know, Dami, I—if I could come get you I would.”

“Could you? I know you’re—wait, hold on…”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...sorry, Jon, I need to—Dick says Jason’s enforcing a mandatory Waffle House trip.”

“Course. Just—text me, okay?”

“I will. I promise.” 

“I love you, Dami.”

“...love you too, Jon.”

_Call time, 44 minutes._

—

**Wally** : is everything okay?

**Dick** : not really

**Dick** : Talia stopped by

**Dick** : Bruce Dami and Jay were the only ones home at least but I don’t think I’m gonna be home tonight 

**Dick** : I’m sorry 

**Wally** : Your brothers are more important than me, babe, don’t be sorry 

**Wally** : stay as long as you need to, okay? 

**Dick** : god I love you 

—

_**Underappreciated squad** _

**Jason❤️** : give me a reason I shouldn’t commit murder right now 

**Duke💛** : because it’s illegal???

**Steph💜** : no baking shows in prison 

**Jason❤️** : thank you Steph 

\--

_**The Children** _

**Dick** : we’re at Waffle House rn 

**Dick** : Talia is being awful and Jason is trying not to commit murder so

**Dick** : feel free to join

**Cass** : Steph and I are on our way already

\--

_Damian has 4 missed calls from Talia al Guhl_

_Damian has 3 new voice messages_

\--

_**Underappreciated squad** _

**Jason❤️** : I need a better reason to not commit murder

**Jason❤️** : Talia keeps calling Damian and I am this close to going back to the manor

**Steph💜** : no Alfred in prison

**Jason❤️** : Aflred can visit

**Duke💛** : um

**Duke💛** : you can’t keep Pam in prison?

**Jason❤️** : well shit

\--

**Jon** : are you doing okay?

**Damian** : kind of

**Damian** : she keeps calling

**Jon** : oh no

**Jon** : i’m sorry Dami

**Damian** : it’s not your fault

**Damian** : could you FaceTime tonight?

**Jon** : of course 

**Jon** : I’m gonna facetime the heck out of you

**Damian** : don’t phrase it like that 

—

_**Underapreacheated squad** _

**Jason❤️** : I took the battery out of Damian’s phone

**Duke💛** : you took

**Duke💛** : the battery

**Duke💛** : out of a smartphone

**Steph💜** : he smashed the phone

**Jason❤️** : I smashed the phone

\--

**Tim** : Jason broke Damian’s phone

**Tim** : Tell Jon that’s why he's not replying

**Kon** : I,,,

**Kon** : can I ask why

**Tim** : because he’s a dumbass who forgot power buttons exist

\--

_**The Complete Fam** _

**Batdad🦇:** where are you all at?

**Second Middle Child** : Waffle House

**Second Middle Child** : the one on 37th 

**Batdad🦇** : Selina and I will be there in 10 minutes 

**Second Middle Child** : cool

**First Middle Child** : also Damian needs a new phone

**Batdad🦇** : why?

**Batdad🦇** : no, nevermind. I don’t want to know.

**New Recrute** : Jason broke it

**First Middle Child** : throw me under the bus why don’t you 

\--

**Daniell Wilds** _@kudosifyougetmyrefrence - 1h_

I just saw the entire Wayne family at a waffle house? And it’s like, 11 at night?

I mean, same, but like? Why???

_67 likes, 25 retweets, 5 comments_

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2m_

Because we had a shitty day, Daniell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's a little shorter than usual, but it's gonna be angst time for a bit and I'd rather not throw it all at you at once 
> 
> damian, btw, is not upset about the phone and in fact found the whole thing hilarious


	9. Chapter 9

**Tim Drake- Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 30m_

It’s blanket fort time 

_437 likes, 789 retweets, 57 comments_

—

_Duke Thomas’ Instagram story, updated at 11:57 PM_

[a video taken in the Wayne manor living room. Alfred is stringing up a blanket across a couch and a few chairs. It is clearly the roof of a fort, and it looks perfect. Cass is helping him by holding one end of the blanket. Duke has captioned it ‘okay but why is Alfred so good at this’]

[a second video follows. Dick is holding up the end of a blanket, pointing at a pillow on the other side of the room.

“Can you hand me the—“ Dick says, snapping his fingers. “The—what’s the word—“

He says something in Romani, and Duke says from off camera “the pillow?” 

“Yes!” Dick yells.]

—

**Wally** : I love when you forget English

**Dick** : thanks 

**Dick** : wait

**Wally** : Check Duke’s Instagram story 

—

_Tim Drake-Wayne’s Instagram story, updated at 12:06 AM_

[a video in the Wayne Manor kitchen. Jason is by the stove, pouring a kind of batter in a pan. He’s singing ‘whistle while you work’. Tim has captioned it ‘somebody make this man the next Snow White’] 

—

_Selina Kyle’s Instagram story, updated at 12:07 AM_

[its a photo of Bruce. He’s in a Wayne Tech hoodie and a pea coat and he’s wearing his glasses instead of his contacts. He’s wearing a knitted hat that’s rainbow colored. He’s looking down at his phone, a Walmart basket in hand. The basket is full of snack food and sodas. Selina has added a caption of ‘getting snacks for the kids’] 

—

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30m_

Can you believe Damian has never seen a single Barbie movie? We’re going to fix this immediately 

_378 likes, 450 retweets, 109 comments_

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30m_

[poll]  
What do we start with?

Princess and the pauper - 39%  
Swan lake - 37%  
12 dancing princesses - 15%  
Rapunzel - 9%

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1m_

The people have spoken 

—

_**The Complete Fam** _

**Mama** : is there anything else you guys want before we come back?

**The Eldest** : I don’t think so

**First Middle Child** : honey 

**First Middle Child** : i used the last of it

**First Middle Child** : thanks

\--

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Instagram page updated at 1:28 AM_

[a photo of Jason, Alfred and Damian in the kitchen. Jason is holding a pan of pastries. Pam is sitting by him, very clearly begging. Damian has snatched one already, and Alfred is inspecting them, although he looks pleased with what he sees. Jason himself is smiling. Cass has captioned it ‘Jason made Baklava from Dami ❤️]

_1.6k likes, 359 comments_

\--

**Duke Thomas** _@knightofduke - 1m_

Jason made Baklava and it’s actually the best thing ever

\--

**Dick** : its really not fair how good Jason is at baking 

**Wally** : I’m sure he’d be more than happy to teach you, babe

**Dick:** no

**Dick** : it takes away the magic of it

**Wally** : of course 

_**Dick** is calling **Wally** …_

…

…

“Dick? Is everything okay?”

Yeah! Yeah, everything is fine, sweetheart. We’re doing better, I just--I just wanted to hear your voice for a sec.” 

“What’s going on, babe?” 

“I don’t know, Walls, I’m just--I’m still _angry_. She--I didn’t hear everything she said but I caught a bit before Jay took us out and she was--fuck, she was yelling at Bruce for making Dami soft and I--God, what the fuck is wrong with that? He’s just a kid and he shouldn’t--I mean, he’s sixteen but that’s still--still...ugh, I can’t think of the word but I shouldn’t be dumping all this on you anyway.” 

“Dump away. I’ve got the entire night open.”

“Ha, yeah...I just--she was mad that Dami was dating Jon, Wally. That he was dating a _boy_.”

“Shit--” 

“I know, it’s—and I don’t even want to know what’s going to happen when she finds out Selina’s pregnant.” 

“Talia isn’t your problem, Dick. Bruce will handle her.”

“I know, but—I hate seeing Dami like this and I don’t know what to _do_ —“ 

“You’re already doing what you need to do. You’re there for him—and Jason too. God, this probably isn’t any better for him either but—but that’s all you need to do, babe. Just be there for them.”

“...”

“Dick?” 

“I love you so much, Wally, have I ever told you that?” 

“You did this morning.”

“Good, good I—Jay’s yelling at me, I gotta go.” 

“Okay—I love you, Dick.” 

“I love you too, Walls.”

“Try and get some sleep tonight, okay?”

“I’ll do my best, but I make no promises—give me five seconds, Jason!”

“Bye, babe. Don’t let Jason kill you.”

“Good night, sweetheart—Jesus Christ, Jay—!”

_Call Ended_

_Call Time 19 minutes, 38 seconds_

—

**Wally West** _@gottagofast - 2m_

Pray for my fiancé ya’ll I think he just got tackled by his brother 

—

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 1m_

Jason just TACKLED me I was OUTSIDE on the PORCH talking to the LOVE of my LIFE 

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 30s_

Lmao rip

|  
|

**Duke Thomas** _@knightofduke 30s_

Was that what that thump was?

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve 30s_

We have Barbie movies to watch and a baby brother to cheer up Dickolas 

|  
|

**Bruce Wayne** _@brucewayneoffical 30s_

You live in the same house why are you communication through twitter

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve 2s_

It's a big house

|  
|

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue 2s_

It's a big house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dick absolutely forgets English when he's upset and/or tired sorry I don't make the rules (I did want to use actual Romani but I couldn't find a translator outside of like, White Mom Ask Forums and I didn't want to mess up the language so I ended up just...not putting any in? I do hope I managed to still somewhat accurately portray Dick forgetting English)
> 
> (extra kudos to you guys who got my aftg refrence)


	10. Chapter 10

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 1h_

I don’t think we actually slept last night but Damian insisted on getting a new phone so here we are 

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 1h_

I’m so sorry Miss Verizon employee for coming in right as you open 

|  
|

**Conner Kent** _@flyboi - 1h_

_@beammeupdaddy_ You didn’t have to go 

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 1h_

Watching Bruce trying to navigate a Real Life Store is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen and I refuse to miss it 

_1k likes, 2.7k retweets, 378 comments_

—

_**Underappreciated Squad** _

**Steph💜** : why you looking at your phone so much Jason

**Jason❤️** : why you still here Stephine 

**Steph💜** : you're making pancakes I’m not leaving 

**Duke💛** : she also wants to stare at Cass

**Steph💜** : that too 

**Jason❤️** : then stare at her not me 

**Steph💜** : hmmmmm

—

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 45m_

Miss Verizon employee just asked if we ran over Dami’s phone with a car

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 45m_

Dami told her “no my brother threw it on the floor of a Waffle House” 

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 45m_

omg Bruce just did the “excuse me” dad thing 

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 45m_

_@iamtheaceupmysleeve_ Bruce just took out his phone I think you’re about to die 

_1.4k likes, 3.7k retweets, 375 comments_

—

**Bruce** : you broke Damian’s phone on purpose?

**Jason** : Talia wouldn’t stop calling him

**Jason** : I panicked 

**Jason** : I’ll make you extra pancakes 

—

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 40m_

Bruce just let out the deepest sigh I have ever heard 

_2k likes, 3.6k retweets, 472 comments_

—

**Clark** : Jon told me Talia stopped by last night 

**Clark** : are you okay, Bruce?

**Bruce** : the kids are fine. Jason got everyone out before she could really say anything to them 

**Clark** : that’s great, but I wasn’t asking about the kids 

**Bruce** : I’m fine, Clark

**Clark** : are you? 

**Clark** : because I will come back if you need me to

**Bruce** : I am, I promise. You don’t need to cut your visit short 

**Bruce** : Diana is stopping by today, if that makes you feel any better

**Clark** : it does, actually

**Clark** : just let me know if you need anything okay?

**Bruce** : I will 

\--

**_The Wild Wild West 🤠_ **

**Jaylad** : Dick is blasting Ed Sheeran songs in MY kitchen

**Jaylad** : while I’m trying to make PANCAKES

**Battle Axe Bandit** : I don’t know who that is

**Shooty McShootson** : you like Ed Sheeran Jason 

**Shooty McShootson** : I’ve listened to your spotify playlist 

**Jason’s favorite** : ???

**Space Princess** : I’m also not familiar with Ed Sheeran

_**Jaylad** set video_

**Jaylad:** educate yourselves 

\--

**Roy** : did you actually send thinking out loud

**Roy** : holy shit dude just ask her out

**Jason** : no

**Jason** : she scares me

**Roy:** what

**Jason** : like how Kori scares you

**Roy** : oh

**Roy** : understandable 

\--

**Duke Thomas** _@knightofduke - 2m_

I did NOT expect to be greeted with Ed Sheeran this morning but here we are I guess

|  
|

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 1m_

I’m trying to pick a song for my first dance leave me alone Duke

|  
|

**Barbara Gordon** _@yourlocalknowitall - 1m_

_@blackandblue_ so you’re going with Ed Sheeran?

|  
|

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 1m_

_@yourlocalknowitall_ I will revoke your best woman privileges

|  
|

**Barbara Gordon** _@yourlocalknowitall -1m_

You wouldn’t dare

|  
|

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue -1m_

You’re right I wouldn’t 

\--

**Wally** : are you really looking at Ed Sheeran songs for our first dance?

**Dick** : yes

**Dick** : shut up

**Dick** : you like Ed Sheeran

\--

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 1h_

Bruce does not understand how Starbucks works good lord

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy -1h_

He does have one hell of a sweet tooth tho

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 1h_

Both he and Dami got Vanilla Bean Fraps and I’m sitting over here with my black coffee two shots of espresso not knowing how to feel about this

_1.3k likes, 1.5k retweets, 278 comments_

\--

_**The Wild Wild West 🤠** _

**Battle Axe Bandit** : I actually really enjoy this song, Jason

\--

**Jason** : AHHHHHHHHHHH

**Roy** : you're fucking hopeless

\--

_**The Wild Wild West 🤠** _

**Jaylad** : It’s a good song Arty

**Jaylad** : I’ll send you more

\--

**_Underappreacheated Squad_ **

**Steph💜:** your face just got very red Jason

**Jason❤️:** It’s because I’m dying

**Steph💜** : oh

**Steph💜** : well carry on then

**Duke💛** : what is wrong with you two

\--

**Damian** : I’ve got a new phone

**Jon** : oh thank god

**Jon** : I’ve missed you

**Jon:** how are you doing????

**Jon** : are you alright??????

**Damian** : I missed you too

\--

_Damian Wayne has 5 new voicemails_

_Damian Wayne has deleted 5 voicemails_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all the outlaws would be friends and no I don't take criticism


	11. Chapter 11

**Bruce Wayne makes an announcement on the Wayne-Kyle babies, and Dick Grayson drops new wedding details**

It’s been an exciting week, hasn’t it? Bruce Wayne has announced that the twins are a boy and a girl, and Dick Grayson has discussed on his twitter thoughts of flower arrangements and a song for his first dance. 

Join us as we dive into possible baby names and first dance songs and the merritts between roses and carnations.

_[click for full article]_

_5.8k comments_

\--

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 2d_

I don’t care what anyone says if I want sunflowers at my wedding there will be sunflowers

_4.9k likes, 8.9k retweets, 348 comments_

|  
|

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 2d_

I will also have an Ed Sheeren song as my first dance song if I so desire

_4.8k likes, 7.1k retweets, 398 comments_

\--

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2d_

Dick is making me sing Ed Sheeren as his wedding

_7.8k likes, 8.9k retweets, 467 comments_

—

**_Underappreciated squad_**

**Jason❤️** : What are y'all doing 

**Steph💜** : I’m about to pop in for lunch with Cass

**Duke💛** : watching prince of Egypt 

**Jason❤️** : cool

**Jason❤️** : Duke, I’m crashing 

**Jason❤️** : Steph, find us after you’re done being gay with my sister 

—

**Selina** : I’m thinking Helena 

**Bruce** : Helena? 

**Selina** : it’s cute 

**Bruce** : have you thought of other names?

**Selina** : have you? 

**Bruce** : Terrance?

**Selina** : Terrance 

**Bruce** : Terry. For short 

**Bruce** : Lucias is yelling at me to get of my phone, hold on

**Selina** : I’m going to revoke your naming privileges 

—

**Jason** : I need

**Jason** : advice 

**Damian** : advice.

**Jason** : yes

**Jason** : Steph is useless and Duke doesn't understand relationships and since I refuse to ask Dick, you’re my next best option 

**Damian** : dare I even ask?

**Jason** : how did you ask Jon out

**Jason** : …

**Jason** : Dami 

**Jason** : Damian this is urgent 

**Jason** : please don’t make me ask Dick

**Damian** : what the hell 

—

_Outgoing facetime to Best BF Ever💕_

…

…

…

“Hey—“

“Jason Just asked me for relationship advice.” 

“What?

“Jason Just asked me for relationship advice, Jon. Jason.” 

“I—no offense, Dami, and i love you with all my heart, but you’re the last person who should be giving out relationship advice.”

“I know.” 

“I can hear your phone going off.” 

“I know.” 

—

**Cass** : Jason. Just tell her. Ask her to walk with you and then tell her. 

**Jason** : did Steph tell you 

**Cass** : no.

**Cass:** you’re just very obvious about it. 

**Jason** : fuck 

—

**_The Children_ **

**Cass** : we are not going to follow Jason, yes?

**Jason** : hell yes we are not following Jason

**Tim** : you take the fun out of everything 

**Dick** : y r we following Jason?

**Jason** : WE ARE NOT FOLLOWING JASON

**Damian** : I don’t want anything to do with this

**Damian** : I’m still traumatized that you asked me for relationship advice 

**Jason** : well who else was I going to ask

**Cass** : Jason put your phone away.

**Dick** : OH

**Dick** : UR ASKING OUT ARTEMIS 

**Duke** : you’re a little slow on the uptake today Dick 

**Dick** : I’m just trying 2 b supportive 

**Dick** : y u gotta call me out like that 

**Damian** : why do you have to text like a middle schooler?

**Tim** : oooooo roasted 

**Dick** : I h8 all of u

**Dick** : except u Cass

**Dick** : ur the only 1 I love 

**Cass** :😊

**Tim** : hold on wait backtrack

**Tim:** Jason asked DAMIAN for relationship advice 

**Damian** : unfortunately 

**Tim** : wait

**Tim** : backtrack further 

**Tim** : how did you and Jon even get together????

**Dick** : yeah u just announced u and Jon were a thing 1 day how did that even happen 

**Damian** : we were on patrol, he told me he liked me, then he kissed me. End of story 

**Duke:** I wasn’t actually expecting you to answer 

**Duke** : but that’s adorable 

**Dick** : AWWWWWWWW 

**Damian** : I hate all of you 

**Tim** : I wonder how Jason is doing

**Jason** : Jason would be doing better if you stop BLOWING UP MY PHONE

—

**Selina** : I like Terry, actually 

**Bruce** : you do?

**Selina** : it grew on me 

\--

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 13m_

Since I’m not allowed to follow Jason on his date, I’ve decided to bug him via twitter instead

|  
|

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 12m_

_@iamtheaceupmysleeve_ is going to sing Ed Sheeran’s Perfect for me and Wally’s first dance

|  
|

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 12m_

Go spam my brother for me, twitter 

_145 likes, 349 retweets, 58 comments_

\--

_Jason Todd-Wayne’s Snapchat story, updated at 12:49 pm_

[the photo is taken at a park. It’s a close up of a woman with bright red hair pulled back in a braid lying on the ground in the grass, laughing as Pam licks at her face. Jason has added a caption of ‘wow can you believe these beautiful women actually like me?’]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a couple of you asked who 'Jason's Favorite' was in the wild west group chat, so for those of you who are confused it's Bizzaro 
> 
> (Terry is one of my favorite batkids and he WILL be in this story idc how I have to do it)


	12. Chapter 12

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 2h_

Can ya’ll believe _@animalsarefriendsnotfood_ and _@blackandyellow_ have never watched Avatar???? Can’t believe I’m pretend related to these two

|  
|

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 2h_

Good thing it’s on Netflix 

|  
|

**Jon Kent-Lane** _@howdareyouassumeimstraight - 2h_

DAMI’S WHAT????

_12.1k likes, 14.7k retweets, 478 comments_

—

_Best BF Ever💕 is calling_

_…_

_…_

_…_

“Hello—“

“You’ve never seen avatar?”

“No—“

“I’m coming over.”

“Jon, what--?”

_Call ended_

_Call time, 19 seconds_

—

**_The Children_ **

**Duke** : did Jon just fly in through a window or did i imagine that

**Dick** : no he did 

**Cass** : he’s going to watch Avatar with us 

**Duke** : oh shit

**Duke** : wait for me I’m coming down 

—

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h_

_@blackandblue_ You’re watching avatar without me?? I Have Never Felt So Betrayed 

|  
|

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 1h_

It’s not my fault you’re on a date 

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30m_

Fuck you 

|  
|

**Damian Wayne** _@animalsarefriendsnotfood - 30m_

_@iamtheaceupmysleeve_ pay attention to your date 

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30m_

_@animalsarefriendsnotfood_ pay attention to avatar 

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30m_

_@animalsarefriendsnotfood_ ten bucks say you get a crush on Sokka

_9k likes, 12k retweets, 328 comments_

—

**_The Complete Fam_ **

**Batdad🦇** : where is everyone

**Batlur** : we are all in the family room, sir, watching Avatar: The Last Airbender 

**Batdad🦇** : I see 

**Batdad🦇** : all of you?

**The Eldest** : Jason’s on a date 

**The Baby™️** : and Jon is here 

**The Favorite** : and Steph 

**Batdad🦇** : …

**Batdad🦇** : I see 

—

_Jason Todd-Wayne’s Instagram page, updated at 2:37 PM_

[a selfie of him and Artemis. They’re sitting on a park bench. Jason has a pair of sunglasses perched on his head, and Artemis’ hair is piled atop her head in a messy bun. Jason’s pressing a kiss to Artemis’ cheek. She looks surprised by it, but happy. Pam’s nose is visible in the corner of the picture. Jason has captioned it ‘spending the day with my two favorite ladies more than makes up for missing the first season of the greatest show ever’] 

_Stephenie Brown and 369 others commented_

Stephenie Brown: why are you this way 

Jason Todd: you love me this way 

Stephenie Brown: Unfortunately

—

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1s_

Guess who's ten bucks richer and crashed the avatar party

\--

**_The Children_ **

**Jason** : GUYS

**Jason** : AUNT KATE IS COMING OVER 

**Dick** : WAT

**Cass** : when?

**Dick** : I HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN 4EVER

**Damian** : oh sweet. She can meet Jon 

**Dick** : Jon stayed the night????

**Jason** : at like, 3ish

**Jason** : you can probably make it from Bludhaven in time if you wanna see her 

**Duke** : Jon always stays the night, Dick, you know this 

**Dick** : Dami, we r coming back 2 this l8ter 

**Damian** : absolutely not 

**Jason** : Artemis stayed the night 

**Dick** : yeah but I no u 2 aren’t gonna do the do 

**Jason:** I hate you

**Damian** : I hate you 

**Cass** : Steph stays the night as well 

**Dick** : what does that have 2 do with it

**Cass** : we’ve been dating for the past three months, Dick 

**Dick** : WAT 

**Tim** : did you

**Tim** : did you not know 

**Dick** : NO

**Dick** : WAT THE FUCK

**Jason** : oooo Dick said a bad word 

**Dick** : DID BRUCE KNOW????

**Cass** : dad was the first one I told 

**Dick** : I

**Dick** : hold on 

—

**Dick** : did you know Cass and Steph are dating????

**Wally** : …

**Wally** : babe. 

—

_Incoming call from Kate Kane_

_…_

_…_

“Hello?”

“Hey, Brucie! I’m heading out right now—should be there in about an hour.” 

“Alright. I might not be home when you get there, but the kids will be there.” 

“Wonderful! See you soon!”

_Call Ended_

—

**Dick** : when do you get out of work?

**Wally** : uh, in like half an hour

**Wally** : but I’m also on call for the night for csi

**Wally:** so are you, for that matter. We’re on the same squad

**Dick** : okay but

**Dick** : our favriote lesbian wine aunt is visiting the manor 

**Wally** : understandable 

**Wally** : I’ll run us over if we get called in

\--

**_The Wild Wild West 🤠_ **

**Jaylad** : I forgot

**Jaylad** : That it was t-shot day

**Shooty McShootson** : rip

**Space Princess** : do you need me to come over?

**Jaylad** : nah I’ll ask Alfred to help

**Jaylad** : thanks tho

\--

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve -1m_

Alfred is terrifyingly accurate with a needle and I’m almost afraid to ask why and how

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**Barbara Gordon** _@yourlocalknowitall - 30s_

Alfred is terrifyingly accurate at everything, Jason. You know this

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**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30s_

Okay but he didn’t even L O O K. man just stabbed my leg and asked if I needed a little wall calendar to remember my testosterone shots 

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**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30s_

I would both die and kill for this man I hope he knows that

\--

_Tim Drake-Wayne’s snapchat story, upateded at 3:01 PM_

[a very shaky video taken in the front foyer of the Wayne manor. The door opens, and before anyone can see who has entered Jason, Dick and Cass are jumping them in a tight hug. Duke and Damian are quick to follow, and Alfred can be seen off to the side. Tim has captioned it ‘the lesbian wine aunt has arrived my dudes’.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jason is trans and no I will not accept criticism. and I also forgot to take my t-shot today so I sprinted upstairs at like, 10:30 at night to stab my leg.
> 
> I will, at some point, get back to the actual plot of this.


	13. Chapter 13

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 9h_

Do you ever just,,,want to say fuck it and run off and start a farm

_12.8k likes, 27.3 retweets, 369 comments_

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**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 2h_

_@beammeupdaddy_ how long have you been playing stardew valley???

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**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 2h_

At least 12 hours. Why 

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**Conner Kent** _@flyboi - 1h_

_@beammeupdaddy_ I’ll run away with you and start a farm 

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**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 1h_

You already live on a farm it doesn’t count 

_17.1k likes, 29k retweets, 361 comments_

—

**_The Complete Fam_ **

**The Eldest** : can Someone that’s home take Tim’s switch from him pls

**Second Middle Child** : ha jokes on you I have stardew on my phone 

**The Baby™️** : and his laptop 

**Second Middle Child** : damn gay 

**The Eldest** : what 

**First Middle Child** : ashfisk damn gay??

**New Recrute** : it’s because he’s not straight 

**Batdad🦇** : it is two in the morning and I know for a fact that Tim isn’t on patrol 

**Second Middle Child** : what’s your point 

**Batdad🦇** : my point is go to bed 

**Batdad🦇** : you’re supposed to be catching up on sleep 

**Second Middle Child** : okay but 

**Second Middle Child** : I am t h i s close to marrying the virtual love of my life 

**Batlur** : Master Timmothy, it would put me at ease if you would set your gaming console down and at least attempted to sleep.

**First Middle Child** : you just got called out 

**Batlur** : That goes for you as well, Master Jason 

**Second Middle Child** : HA 

**Second Middle Child** : get recked scrub

—

\--

Is Dick Grayson a legitimate Wayne? And does it matter anyway in the wake of his upcoming marriage to Wally West?

[click to read more]

_5k+ clicks_

\--

**Bludhaven PD’s Power couple**

By Ally Grace, Buzzfeed Editor 

With Dick Grayson and Wally West’s wedding only a few weeks away, we thought to give you a bit of a glimpse into what their life is like outside of the Wayne family circle (Dick has, after all, been separated from the family for some time). 

Now, I know we all know that Dick is a homicide detective on the Bludhaven police force (how could we not? We all remember the fallout with Bruce over that), but not many of us are aware that Dick’s fiancé is on the forensics team (I would love to believe that’s how they met. There’s something romantic in it, don’t you think?). They work together a lot, and together they have one of the highest solved crime rates of the entire Bludhaven police department. Crime solving boyfriends? Sign me up.

[click for full article] 

—

**Damian** : [sent link]

**Damian** : what does she mean you're separated from the family?

**Dick** : it doesn’t mean anything, Dami

**Dick** : i’m going to have Wally run me over

**Dick** : sit tight 

\--

**_Dick Grayson_ ** _is calling **Wally West**_

…

…

…

“Dick?” 

“Hey, I’m sorry, I know you’re out with Barry but I--can you run me over to Gotham?” 

“Yeah, babe, of course. Give me five seconds and I’ll be there.”

“Thanks--”

Call Ended 

\--

**Dick Grayson’s Family Drama: The In and Out’s of the Wayne’s**

By Tom Gale, Buzzfeed Editor

The recent questions surrounding Dick’s Grayson’s family issues has been a long time coming. We know, of course, that Dick was never fully adopted into the Wayne family, not like Bruce’s other children.

But what does this mean for him? And does any of this even matter after his marriage?

[click for more]

_9k+ clicks, 3k comments_

\--

_Ongoing call between **Bruce Wayne and **Dick Grayson****_

****

“It just--I thought everyone was past this, Bruce--”

****

“I know--”

****

“I--ugh! I can’t think of the word but it--argh!”

****

“I can call a press conference, Dick.”

****

“No, that’s okay--it might make it worse, honestly, but thank you.” 

****

“...is there anything I can do to help?”

****

“I--no, I can handle it. I should handle it. If you tried to do it for me it might just make this whole thing worse.” 

****

“I suppose you’re right.”

****

“God, I hate being right.”

****

“Here, I’ll give you Vicky’s number. I’d probably be best if you go through someone, and Vicky’s been dealing with us long enough to handle it.” 

****

“She deserves a raise, B.”

****

“I’ll make sure she gets one.” 

****

_Call continued between **Bruce Wayne** and **Dick Grayson**_

****

****

\--

****

****

The Differences between Adopted and Fostered, and why Dick Grayson isn’t a Wayne

****

[click for more]

****

****

\--

****

****

_**Dick Grayson** is calling **Vicky Vale**_

****

…

****

…

****

…

****

“Vale.”

****

“Hi, uh, it’s me. Dick. Grayson.”

****

“I was wondering when you were gonna call.”

****

“You--you were?”

****

“Give me a time and a place and I’ll be there.”

****

“Uh, tomorrow? Noon? At the Butternut cafe?”

****

“Done and done.”

****

_Call Ended_

****

****

\--

****

****

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h_

****

Do I need to throw hands? Because I will throw these hands. And my girlfriend will NOT be happy about it.

****

_1k likes, 4.7k retweets, 228 comments_

****

|  
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****

**Cassandra Cain-Wayne** _@blackandyellow - 30m_

****

I will also throw hands

****

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****

**Stephenie Brown** _@spoileralert - 29m_

****

And your girlfriend will be significantly more happy about it

****

_978 likes, 1.4k retweets, 178 comments_

****

****

\--

****

****

[part 2 of Vicky Vale’s tape recording of an interview with Dick Grayson]

****

Dick Grayson: I honestly can’t believe I have to clear this up. It’s been, what, fifteen years?

****

Vicky Vale: [laughing] god, has it really been that long? 

****

Dick Grayson: ‘fraid so.

****

Vicky Vale: Wow. I still remember little ten year old you.

****

Dick Grayson: [laughing] God, yeah...I don’t even remember being ten.

****

Vicky Vale: I don’t think any of us do. But, to get us back on track--

****

Dick Grayson: Right, yeah. So I guess to make a long story short, Bruce didn’t adopt me because I didn’t want him to. He fostered me, absolutely, but never adopted.

****

Vicky Vale: Can you say more about that? Why you didn’t want to be adopted?

****

Dick Grayson: I didn’t want to because, at the time, it had seemed almost like...like a betrayal, I guess. The folks at the circus were my family just as much as my actual parents had been, and I had thought at the time that if Bruce were to officially adopt me that it might--take me away from that? I’m not really sure how to phrase it--

****

Vicky Vale: No, I understand. You still had people you considered family, and Bruce wasn’t close enough to you yet to fall into that.

****

Dick Grayson: Right, exactly. 

****

Vicky Vale: You could have changed your mind down the road. Why didn’t you? 

****

Dick Grayson: Honestly? By the time I thought of making it “official” I just didn’t really want to bother with it. Bruce was my family--I didn’t need a paper that said it. 

****

Vicky Vale: even after you fallout?

****

Dick Grayson: [laughing] yeah, even after the fallout. But I mean, what eighteen year old doesn’t fight with their dads?

****

Vicky Vale: True, true. 

****

Dick Grayson: We made up. That’s all I really care about, honestly. I try to visit the manor every two weeks, but it took...it took a lot to get there, but we did it. 

****

Vicky Vale: You didn’t come back until after Jason disappeared, right?

****

Dick Grayson: Yeah...but hey, I got him back too. I got my family back, and I don’t need a stupid legal process to tell me there my family. Family is...family is people you decide on, not something you let blood pick for you.

****

Vicky Vale: That...that’s really sweet, Dick. 

****

Dick Grayson: I mean, I am going through a stupid legal process to have Wally as my family, but that’s more for the tax benefits than anything else. And I end up in the hospital a lot. I honestly get way too many concussions for being a detective.

****

Vicky Vale: It’s all part of the job, I suppose--would you mind telling me a bit about Wally?

****

Dick Grayson: oh! Of course--I know you want like, personality details but holy crap his eyes are so pretty, Vicky--

****

[end of recorded transcript part 2] 

****

****

\--

****

****

**Dick Grayson Sets Us Straight: “Family is people you decide on, not something you let blood pick for you”**

****

By Angelica Lounds

****

Dicky Grayson had an interview with Vicky Vale, and not only did he clear the air about his non adoption, he also made us all cry with how strongly and vocally he loves his family. Family is people you decide on, he told us, and we couldn’t agree more.

****

[click for more]

****

****

_548k clicks, 289k comments_

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I, much like Tim, have stardew valley on three separate devices and have played it for twelve hours straight (Butternut is also the name of one of my many farms btw)


	14. Chapter 14

[Video of Dick Grasyon and Wally West’s wedding — Clips]

\--

“Will you—give me that—“ the camera is yanked from Stephanie’s hand. Jason’s face is briefly seen as he takes it—he has a hairband keeping his bangs back and he’s still in his pajamas. Barbara snorts and laughs from somewhere off camera while Jason brings it back into focus. “You keep waving the damn thing around—“ 

“I’m excited, Jason.” Stephanie says. “Sue me for being excited.”

“You and what money?” 

Stephanie smacks Jason. The camera jostles a little more before Barbara takes it and throws open Dick’s bedroom door. “Good morning, dickface! Ready to get married?”

Dick’s room is too dark to see into, but the thud of his falling out of the bed is quite audible. 

—

“You’re up early.” 

Wally stumbles into the kitchen, and he blinks at Cassandra—who is recording—before turning to greet Alfred. “Yeah, I uh...too excited to sleep.” 

Alfred steps away from the stove to pour a cup of coffee. He mixes in a few spoonfuls of sugar, then hands it to Wally before going back to flip the pancakes he was making. “Master Bruce was much the same way when he married Miss Kyle.” 

“Really?” Wally settles in next to the stove, leaning against the counter and holding the coffee mug with both hands. 

“Indeed.” Alfred answers as Cassandra tilts the camera so she’s in frame as well. Alfred the Cat jumps up on the table, and Cassandra scoops him up. “Master Bruce was just as nervous as he was excited. He threw up the morning of the wedding, if I recall correctly.”

Wally snorts and Cassandra’s shoulders shake in a silent laugh. 

“Bruce did what?” Jason comes bursting into the kitchen, Pam following after him with a wagging tail. Dick and Barbara follow. 

“Good Morning!” Stephanie pops into view of the camera and kisses Cassandra’s cheek. 

“How come she gets to kiss her girlfriend?” Dick whines. He tries to pull away to Wally, but Barbara has a solid hold on him. 

“Because she’s not getting married.” Barbara answers. She pushes Dick forward. “Keep moving, dickie bird.”

“Wally, my love—remember me!” Dick reaches out a hand to Wally as he is pushed past. Wally snickers and takes a sip from his coffee. “Remember me in your dreams!”

“Why are you always so _dramatic?_ ” Damian’s voice comes from somewhere off camera. 

—

“Hey, Clark,” Bruce opens the front door of the manor, happily accepting the hug Clark gives him. 

Lois comes in next, heading towards Selina, who is standing just a little ways off. Jon comes darting in and immediately goes towards the kitchen. Kara follows, holding hands with a beautiful woman--Lana Luther.

“Lana, Kara—“ Bruce greets them both, giving Kara a brief hug, then Lana. “It’s good to see you two.” Then he turns back to Clark, who has stepped outside to grab a few boxes and bags. “Where’s Kon?”

“He’s been here since last night.” Clark answers. He sets his armload down, then steps outside for more. 

Bruce blinks. 

Selian and Lois laugh. Duke, who is holding the camera, snorts. 

—

Tim comes stumbling into the kitchen in basketball shorts and a shirt that is clearly not his, his hair tied back in an awful messy bun. Kon follows after him.

“I didn’t know you were here already.” Stephanie looks at Kon, then narrows her eyes. “Why _are_ you here already?” 

Kon huffs. “Am I not allowed to have a fuck buddy?”

“Jesus—Kon, thats gross!” Jon throws a piece of bread at him. Kon dodges it.

Alfred pluckes it from the air without looking away from the stove, and Wally cackles. 

—

“I miss Wally.” Dick whines.

“You’ll see him in a few hours.” Barbara says.

Dick groans and throws himself over her lap. “That’s too many hours.”

\--

Jason is standing on the back of a shopping cart, holding a pack of strawberries in one hand and a bag of chocolate chips in the other. He is mumbling something that the camera can’t pick up. Pam is sitting in the cart, tail wagging and tongue lolling, and Artemis is standing next to him, looking at the camera with raised eyebrows. 

She looks very much like she just rolled out of bed. Her hair is tied up in a messy bun, and she’s in compression shorts and one of Jason’s university sweaters. It’s just small enough on her that you can see a bit of her stomach. 

Kori comes into view, looking very similar to Artemis. She deposits a bag of sugar into the cart, then pats Pam’s head. 

Pam licks her hand. 

Roy sighes from behind the camera. “Jesus christ--it’s been twenty minutes, Jay. Just _pick_ already!”

“It’s a wedding cake, _Roy_.” Jason shoots back. “It has to be perfect.”

“Just make it a chocolate strawberry cake.” Artemis says. “That’s a thing you people eat, right?” 

Jason blinks, then looks up at Artemis. 

“You’re a goddamn genius.” he says, then kisses her. He is only able to do so without having to stand on his tiptoes because he is on the cart. 

The camera shuffles a bit, and then Roy asks “Where’d Bizzaro go?” 

\--

“Do you think we can sneak away for a bit?” Jon asks.

Damian looks up from his cup of coffee. He is still at the kitchen table, as is Jon, Cassandra and Setphanie. Wally has since been dragged away by Lois. “Why?” 

“Because I haven’t seen you in weeks,” Jon throws himself across the table. “And I really wanna kiss you.”

“Really? Right in front of my salad?” Stephanie shrieks.

Damian glares at her, cheeks pink. “I hate you.”

“Should you not be recording the setup in the garden?” Alfred asks. 

“Oh shi--” 

\--

Wally is sitting on the bed in a spare bedroom. There is no other way to describe what he’s doing besides pouting. 

“I was okay with the whole _no seeing each other thing_ \--” Wally glares at the camera. “--right up until you took my phone.” 

“Not talking to each other is part of not seeing each other.” Tim says from behind the camera. 

“Sucks to suck.” Kon says, also from off camera. 

—

“Richard John Grayson!”

Dick, who is back in his bedroom and has his hand on the door handle, freezes. 

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Barbara comes onto screen, and Duke snorts from behind the camera.

—

Pam barks, then comes skidding into the kitchen. Her leash is still attached to her collar. She sits at Alfred’s feet and looks up at him and boofs softly. Her tail swishes back and forth slowly, then speeds up when Alfred looks at her.

Alfred gives her the piece of bacon he was going to put on the plate, pats her head, then goes back to cooking. 

“I’m back!” Jason announces. He comes bursting into the kitchen with several paper bags in his arms. 

Artemis, Kori, Roy and Bizzaro come trailing in after him. 

Jason sets his bags down on the counter, then looks at the camera. “Aren’t you supposed to be in the garden?” 

Stephanie huffs, then the camera is lifted and taken from the kitchen. 

\--

The garden looks like a mess. 

Barry and Clark are sitting in a pile of cloth and pipes--a tent, which has not been set up and may not ever be set up. Bruce is standing by them, flipping through an instruction manual. Diana walks past them to where rows of tables are set up, carrying a stack of chairs in each arm. 

Stephanie gasps as she walks by. “ _God_ I’m gay.” 

\--

“Here, try this.” 

Jason holds out a wooden spoon to Artemis, who is perched up on the counter. She takes the spoon and licks a bit of the batter off. 

“It’s good,” she says, then eats some more batter.

Jason grins, and Alfred is smiling at the both of them.

“You wanna try some too, Cass?” Jason asks.

The camera gets set down on the table, and then Cassandra comes into view. She takes the offered spoon from Artemis and tries some, then grins and gives Jason a thumbs up.

\--

The camera has been set down in the grass, but is still in full view of the tent. Stephanie has joined Bruce, Barry and Clark. 

“This isn’t that hard,” she says, taking the instructions from Bruce and tossing them over her shoulder. “You just gotta--Clark, hand me that pipe--” 

Clark does so without question, and Diana laughs from somewhere off camera. 

\--

“Duke, can I get married yet?”

“No.”

Kori laughs as Dick huffs.

\--

“Where have you two been?” Jason askes.

Damian glares at him, then takes Jon’s hand and tugs him back out of the kitchen right as the timer goes off. Jason puts on a pair of floral oven mitts and gently nudges Pam away from the oven door. 

\--

The tent is set up. 

Diana is cackling.

\--

“How did you--?” Artemis shakes her head, then reaches out to cradle Jason’s cheeks between her hands. She wipes away a smear of frosting on Jason’s cheek.

“Decorating cakes is a messy business.” Jason answers. 

Artemis shakes her head again, then leans forward to kiss him. 

The cake, meanwhile, sits on the kitchen table, frosted all in white, except for the red and blue flowers.

\--

Wally’s suit is a red so dark that it looks nearly black. When the light hits it just right you can see the red shine. Both the undershirt and tie are black, but the flower he has tucked into his breast pocket is a bright blue carnation. 

He is sitting in front of the vanity, and Iris is styling his hair into something a bit more manageable. 

She’s also tearing up.

“Don’t you dare cry,” Wally sniffs. The camera zooms in, and Wally looks as teary eyed as his aunt. “Because then _I’ll_ cry.” 

“I can’t help it--my baby is getting married.” Iris smiles, then pulls Wally into a hug. 

She’s definitely crying, but no one says anything. 

\--

Dick’s suit is just as dark as Wally’s, but his has a blue shine to it instead of Wally’s red. His undershirt and tie and black as well, but the carnation tucked in his breast pocket is bright red. 

Bruce is absolutely crying, and he’s making no move to hide it. 

Selina is humming something soft as she smooths out the nonexistent wrinkles in Dick’s suit jacket, and she takes a moment to straighten the carnation before pulling back. 

“You look beautiful,” she says quietly. 

A sniff sounds from behind the camera.

Dick looks up and tilts his head. “Are you two crying?”

“Yes.” Duke says. 

“Shut up.” Barbara says. 

\--

Dick is definitely crying now.

“I--shoot,” Dick sniffs, and Wally laughs quietly. “Okay--Wally, Wallace--sweetheart.” Dick takes a deep breath. “I have known you for most of my life, and I’m pretty sure I’ve loved you for most of my life too. I don’t even know when I fell in love with you because I’ve loved you that long and I--I never actually thought I’d get here, ya know?” Dick laughs quietly. “But I did get here, and I want to stay here. I want to wake up with you and fall asleep with you and cook you breakfast and dinner and dance with you in the kitchen to dumb songs every single day for the rest of my life.” 

Wally is crying now too, and he squeezes Dick’s hands. 

“I want to be there when you’re sad and happy and angry and everything in between. I want to be there for everything because I love you, and I’m never gonna stop.” Dick finished. 

“Dick--” Wally let out a breathless little laugh, then ducked forward until his forhead was gently pressed against’s Dick’s. “I knew I was gonna marry you the second I met you, ya know? I told my aunt that I was gonna marry you when I was thirteen and I was right. And I have never been so happy to be right.” Wally swallows before continuing. “I promise you that we’re gonna wake up together and fall asleep together, and when you don’t want to cook I’ll cook and we’ll always dance in the kitchen to thoes dumb songs you like. I'll be there for you when you’re sad and happy and angry and I’ll be there for everything else.” Wally grins. “I’ll be there for you for anything and everything, even if you just need me to open the jelly jar for you.”

Dick laughs. 

“I love you, Dick Grayson. So, so much.” Wally says this softer than everything else. 

“Are there any objections to this union, before we continue?” Alfred asks, and is met with silence. “Then I am proud to pronounce you husband and husband.”

Dick and Wally kiss before Alfred can say the line. 

\--

The garden is washed in the soft amber glow of the fairy lights. Night has fallen, and Dick and Wally are holding each other close as they gently sway to a soft song that Jason is singing. 

_Cause we were just kids when we fell in love  
Not knowing what it was  
I will not give you up this time  
Darling just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own  
And in your eyes you’re holding mine_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bruh I am not used to writing in present tense


	15. Chapter 15

_**Jason** is calling **extra tall with a side of beef 💗🥰**_

…

…

“Jason? are you alright?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine, Arty—so I forgot I had an analysis essay due tomorrow for my horror novel class and I’m just gonna rant at you for a hot sec—“

“...”

“Babe?”

“Go ahead.”

“Okay, so like, the idea of a self created fear is like, a huge topic in a lot of early horror novels, right? It’s glaringly obvious in Frankenstein and Jekyll and Hyde—and I know you’ve never read any of those but just pretend you have—but Frankenstein literally creates the thing he’s afraid of and Jekyll kinda did the same thing? Granted, they both did what the did in pursuit of making the world better—well, maybe a little less in Frankensteins case but—oh, fuck, hold on wait—“

“...”

“...”

“...Jason?”

“Fuck! Okay, got it—-uhhhh….there. Masque of the Red Death—That’s a self created horror that’s been influenced by the outside—but then you could argue that Jekyll and Frankenstein’s horrors were also influenced by their environment and social worlds—got it!”

“You...got what?”

“My essay topic! Thanks for listening to my nonsense.”

“I love listening to your nonsense.”

“Aww. You’re so sweet.” 

“Go write your essay, Jason.”

“Yes, dear.”

_Call ended._

—

**Duke Thomas** _@knightofduke - 3h_

Jason just came into the kitchen mumbling about social classes and “Jekyll is the real motherfucker” and I’m,,,a little concerned? [thread]

|  
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**Duke Thomas** _@knightofduke - 3h_

I would be less concerned if it wasn’t 4 in the morning 

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**Duke Thomas** _@knightofduke - 3h_

He’s making Mac and cheese. I don’t think he knows I’m here 

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**Duke Thomas** _@knightofduke - 3h_

He’s been mumbling this entire time and he just stopped in the middle of a word. He’s staring at the back splash. I’m pretty sure he hadn’t blinked 

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**Duke Thomas** _@knightofduke - 3h_

Fuck is he a lizard person? Is that why he’s not blinking?

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**Duke Thomas** _@knightofduke - 3h_

Jason just yelled ‘haunted houses’ and ran out of the kitchen. He left his mac and cheese cooking on the stove and if he doesn’t come back in the next 15m I’m legally obligated to eat it 

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**Duke Thomas** _@knightofduke - 3h_

He came back for it 

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|

**Stephanie Brown** _@spoileralert - 1h_

Jason I understand but _@knightofduke_ why are you awake at 4 in the morning 

|  
|

**Duke Thomas** _@knightofduke - 17m_

I wanted shredded cheese 

_3.2k likes, 6.9k retweets, 379 comments_

—

**It’s been a week since the Grayson-West wedding, and we’re now getting pictures!**

The ceremony was small and held on the grounds of Wayne Manor, although there were plenty of family friends. We saw the Lane-Kent’s (and a lovely Lana Luther as Kara Kent’s plus one), police commissioner Jim Gordon (his daughter was Dick’s best woman, if you recall), as well as Ms. Diana Prince! It was a small guest list to be sure, but it was no less extravagant. 

And the venue, oh lord, the venue!

The garden was washed in fairy lights and lanterns, the makeshift altar covered in vines and flowers—well, I certainly can’t do it justice with my descriptions…

[click here for more]

—

**Damian** : we should go on a date tomorrow 

**Jon:** I am

**Jon:** sifting right next to you???

**Jon** : we are on patrol??????

**Damian:** That doesn’t hinder your ability to answer my question 

**Jon:** I mean, yes, we should 

**Jon:** I’m always down for dates 

**Jon:** where you wanna go? 

**Damian:** there’s a boba shop I’ve been wanting to try 

**Jon:** I’ve never had boba, actually 

**Damian:** now we’re definitely going 

**Damian:** just come home with me after patrol and stay the night. We’ll make a day out of it 

**Jon:** awwww you sure know how to sweet talk me 

**Jon:** Damian get off your phone you’re on patrol 

**Damian:** yes father 

—

**Barbara Gordon** _@yourlocalknowitall - 1h_

_@knightofduke_ did you ever figure out what Jason was doing?

|  
|

**Duke Thomas** _@knightofduke - 1h_

I think he was writing an essay? He came back downstairs with a stack of papers and ran out the door 

—

_**Damian** sent Snapchat to **Rachel**_

_**Rachel** opened Snapchat from **Damian**_

_**Rachel** is typing…_

_**Rachel** sent message to **Damian**_

_**Damian** opened message from **Rachel**_

[Keep the jacket and shirt, but put on your ripped skinny jeans]

_**Damian** is typing…_

_**Damian** sent message to **Rachel**_

_**Rachel** opened message from **Damian**_

[thanks]

_**Rachel** is typing…_

_**Rachel** sent message to **Damian**_

_**Damian** opened message from **Rachel**_

[have fun on your date😘]

—

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne updated her Instagram story at 11:43 AM_

[a picture of Damian. He is standing in the kitchen of Wayne manor, holding Alfred the cat far away from him. He’s wearing a faded denim jacket over a black shirt. His jeans are the same faded denim as his jacket, and they've been cuffed just above his ankle. He’s wearing bright yellow converse and his hair, despite being dyed months ago, is still a soft pink. He looks to be in the middle of giving a lecture to Alfred the cat. Cass has added text over the picture that says _what a dapper man_ 🥰] 

—

_Jon Kent-Lane’s snapchat story_

[a close up photo of Damian. His cheeks are nearly the same color as his hair, but he’s smiling. Jon has captioned it _date day with my favorite boy_ ]

[another photo of Damian. He’s crouching outside the window to a pet store, cooing at an orange cat that is pressed up against the window. Jon has captioned _it we got sidetracked_ ] 

\--

**Underappreciated squad**

**Jason** ❤️: did I just see Damian and Jon downtown or am I hallucinating 

**Duke** 💛: yes you did

**Duke** 💛: they’re on a date

**Jason** ❤️: oh

**Steph** 💜: how did your essay go

**Jason** ❤️: you know what I cranked out twelve pages in twelve hours I’d say pretty damn good 

**Jason** ❤️: I don’t remember what I wrote

\--

_Jon Kent-Lane’s snapchat story_

[a video of Jon sitting at a table outside of a little restaurant. Damian is taking the video. Jon gives him a smile, then takes a sip of the boba tea in hand. He is silent for a moment, then he frowns and looks at Damian.

“It’s chewy.” he says.

Damian laughs.] 

[another video, hours apart from the last. It is of the same orange cat that Damian was looking at earlier, except this time they’re inside the store and Jon is cooing and petting it. Damian can be faintly heard off camera asking about adoption fees.] 

\--

_**Jon** is calling **Best Mom Ever** …_

…

…

“Hello?”

“Mom I have a cat.”

“...what?”

“Dami bought me a cat.”

“...”

“His name is Pumpkin and he’s orange and he only has one ear and he’s two years old and I love him.” 

\--

_Jon Kent-Lane’s snapchat story_

[a photo of Pumpkin. He is curled up on a blanket, asleep]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this entire chapter is dedicated to my final essay for my early brit lit class. I wrote a seven page research paper in one day and got an A and the only thing I remember about it was heavily implying that Sir Gawain and The Green Knight were gay
> 
> wow, it has been awhile my dudes. quarantine has fucked with my head and my entire life has been nothing but star trek and animal crossing for the past four months.


	16. Chapter 16

_**The Complete Fam** _

**New Recruit** : so um

**New Recruit** : I’m home alone with Selina

**New Recruit** : and babies are coming 

**New Recruit** : like right now 

**First Middle Child** : HOLY FUCK

**Second Middle Child** : oh that’s not good 

—

_Outgoing call from **Selina** to **Bruce** _

_…_

_…_

_…_

“Im—“ 

“Bruce, my water just broke.”

“I—fuck—I know—I’m gonna call Clark and bolt and—Alfred is on his way back to the manor—where’s Duke?”

“He’s right here with me.”

“Good, that's—are you okay?”

“I’ve been worse.”

“...”

“Yes, bat, I’m fine. I’m just going into labor.”

“...you’re being sarcastic, so I’m going to assume you’re not fine.” 

“No, I’m okay, really—I just...would like you here.”

“I know, cat. I’m coming, I promise.”

“I know.”

—

_**The Complete Fam** _

**The Eldest** : BABIES????

**Second Middle Child** : wait

**Second Middle Child** : wasn’t Alfred staying home this week because babies were due??

**New Recruit** : yes but he had to go grocery shopping because SOME people keep bringing their not boyfriends over 

**New Recruit** : and I offered to do it for him but he very kindly told me to fuck off which is valid because I don’t understand grocery shopping 

**First Middle Child** : no one understands grocery shopping it’s okay 

**Second Middle Child** : you dare call me out 

**Second Middle Child** : in this here Christian Minecraft server 

**The Eldest** : GUYS

**The Eldest** : BABIES 

—

_**Bruce** is calling **Clark** …_

_…_

_…_

“Hello?”

“Selina just went into labor. I need to leave. Find someone else to fill in for me at the meeting.” 

“Oh. OH! Yeah—yes—go, get out of here. I’ll figure something out—“

_Call Ended_

—

**Jason** : I’m coming to get you 

**Damian** : why

**Damian** : oh

**Jason** : Just head to the office I’ll call the school in a sec

**Jason** : I’m gonna swing by and get Cass and Steph first, but I should be there in like, 10 min

**Damian** : it's a 20 minute drive to my school

**Jason** : it is if you follow the speed limit 

\--

_**The Complete Fam** _

**New Recruit** : we’re on our way to the hospital just meet us there

\--

**Kon** : I’m taking Tim to the hospital

**Kon** : You wanna tag along

**Jon** : Conner I’m In School

**Kon** : Doesn’t Answer My Question, Jonathan 

**Jon** : i mean, yeah 

**Kon** : great! Mom already called and I’m already here

**Kon** : get in the car loser 

\--

**Jason** : im here

**Jason** : and look at that. We still have time for mcdonalds 

**Damian** : can I get a vanilla shake

**Jason** : of course you can im not some heathen Damian

**Jason** : now get in the car I can see you

\--

_**The Complete Fam** _

**The Eldest** : me and wally r on duty 4 the nite

**The Eldest** : we’ll swing by wen wr off

**Second Middle Child** : and you were so excited too

**Second Middle Child** : sucks to suck I guess

**First Middle Child** : anyone want mcdonalds 

**Second Middle Child** : oooo I do! 

**Second Middle Child** : large fries!

**Batdad🦇** : Jason your mother is in labor

**First Middle Child** : she can still have a strawberry shake in labor 

**Mama** : thank you Jason 

**Second Middle Child** : can Kon also have large fries

**First Middle Child** : no

**New Recruit** : Alfred and I would like chocolate shakes

**First Middle Child** : of course 

**First Middle Child** : Bruce?

**Batdad🦇** : chocolate shake. Large 

\--

**Jon** : could you also get me a chocolate shake?

**Damian** : I already did

**Jon** : you’re the best

**Jon** : I love you

**Jon** : I would both kill and die for you

**Damian** : please do not do that

_Stephanie Brown updated her Instagram story at 12:03pm_

[a photo of three separate drink carriers, all holding McDonalds shakes. There is also a large McDonalds bag next to it. Pam is sniffing them, and Jason can be seen just in the corner of the shot, reaching for a shake. Steph has captioned it _gotta make that pre hospital mcdonalds stop_ ]

\--

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne updated her Instagram story at 12:30pm_

[a shaky photo, taken in a hospital. Everyone is waiting outside a room, but Jason is the only one going in, pam happily following after him. Cass has captioned it _Jason is the only one allowed in because he has the food_ ]

\--

**Damian Wayne** _@animalsarefriendsnotfood - 3h_

This is a callout post _@beammeupdaddy_ stop making out with your not boyfriend in the hospital waiting room. This is not an episode of grey's anatomy 

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 3h_

_@animalsarefriendsnotfood_ I will not hesitate to slaughter you

|  
|

**Damian Wayne** _@animalsarefriendsnotfood - 3h_

You can try

12.4k likes, 16.7k retweets, 278 comments

\--

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy -1h_

This is a callout post _@animalsarefriendsnotfood_ stop cuddling with your boyfriend in the hospital waiting room

|  
|

**Damian Wayne** _@animalsarefriendsnotfood -1h_

I will punch you in the throat

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy -1h_

You can’t even reach my throat

|  
|

**Duke Thomas** _@knightofduke -1h_

Ya’ll are LITERALLY sitting right next to each other

_12k likes, 14k retweets, 387 comments_

\--

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne updated her Instagram story at 7:07pm_

[a video that, while fairly good quality, is still difficult to make out. Bruce comes out of the room looking equal parts tired, excited, and frightened. He says something about a c-section, and then everyone jumps up and starts excitedly talking over each other. The video ends before any words can be deciphered] 

\--

**Dick** : hey Babs did u hear about the BABIES

**Barbara** : yes I did hear about the babies

**Barbara** : but since all of you are there right now Dad and I are gonna wait to visit until tomorrow 

**Dick** : im not there right now

**Barbara** : everyone except you then

**Dick** : ☹️

\--

_Bruce Wayne updated his Instagram page at 9:38pm_

[a picture of Selina. She is in a hospital bed, looking exhausted. But she is still smiling. She has two babies resting against her chest, each one swaddled in a white blanket and wearing matching yellow hats. Bruce has captioned it _I’m so glad to finally meet Helena and Terry_ ]

_589k likes, 10k comments_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is. the dumbest thing I've ever written


	17. Chapter 17

_A YouTube video titled ‘Wayne Family Tic Tok’s to cure your depression’_

[the video opens up to face a wall. After some muffled curses and fumbling the camera flips to Tim’s face. His hair is a mess, and he huffs and puffs before pulling it back out of his face. 

“It’s like...three in the morning and I can’t sleep but—“ Tim starts talking, then pauses for a moment. “—I hear Jason singing.”

He suddenly jerks into motion, and the camera goes dark for a moment. When it comes back the camera is flipped again, showing the view of a nursery. It is too dark to make out much, but Jason is in plain view. He is in a rocking chair, holding Terry and quietly humming.

“Hey—hey Jason—“ Tim’s voice is a harsh whisper. 

“What?” Jason’s voice is at full volume. 

“Can you sing me to sleep too?” Tim asks. 

Jason Levels him with a blank look. The camera goes dark again for a moment, and when it comes back Tim has climbed into the chair with Jason and Terry, and Jason is singing Despacito.] 

—

[Dick is staring blankly into the camera. His hair is wet and plastered to his cheeks and he’s not wearing a shirt—he’s in a bathroom, and you can clearly tell that he just got out of the shower.

“Duke has informed me,” he starts. “That ya’ll have started a challenge of walking in front of your partner naked.”

The camera goes black for a moment, and when it starts again Dick has moved to the kitchen, where Wally is leaning against the counter and talking on the phone. 

“Yeah, no, it’s—“ Wally stops mid sentence when Dick clears his throat. Wally stares for a moment. “...I’m gonna—-fuck, Dick, get the hell back in the shower—“

Dick laughs. “Only if you come with me.”

“Of fucking course I am what the hell do you take me for—“] 

—

[“Bruce I have a very important question.” Tim has the camera pointed at Bruce, who is sitting at his desk in his study. There are papers scattered everywhere and Bruce looks to be very lost in thought, but he still gives Tim all his attention when he comes into the office.

“Yes?” Bruce asks. He takes his reading glasses off. 

“Would you still love me if I was a worm?”

There is a moment of silence, and then Bruce lets out a long sigh.

“Would you still love me?” Tim sounds a little frantic. “Bruce I need to know if you would still love me—“”

“Unfortunately.”]

—

[its not clear who’s recording, but the video is of Damian and Jon. They are sitting on the floor in front of the television, playing Minecraft. 

“I still don’t understand the point of this game.” Damian says. 

“The point is that you’re having fun playing virtual house with your boyfriend.” Jon answers. “No go out and find me some sand.”

Damian doesn’t argue.] 

—

[“Hey Alfred, what are we making today?” Steph points the camera to Alfred. He’s in the kitchen, standing in front of the stove with various ingredients laid out on the counter.

“Cookies.” Alfred replies. 

“Are they the world famous Pennyworth oatmeal raisin cookies?" Steph askes. "The ones that men have both killed and died for?”

“I’m afraid not.” Alfred says. “These are just chocolate chip cookies.”

“Will we ever get to learn how to make the penny worth oatmeal raisin cookies?”

“Master Jason and Miss Gordon know.”

There is a moment of silence.

“That’s blatant favoritism Alfred.” Steph says. “I thought you were better than that.” 

Alfred smiles. “I would love to teach the rest of you, but they are the only ones who can navigate a kitchen without setting something on fire.”

“...yeah, I can’t argue with that.] 

—

[the video opens to Duke’s face. He blinks, then flips the camera to Jason. Jason is laying on the couch with Pam. He’s not paying attention, and is instead texting someone on his phone.

“You know what we don’t talk enough about?” Duke says.

“What?” Jason grunts out the word.

“That Red Hood had a thing with Black Mask for a hot second.”

Jason blinks, then shoots up. “Who the fu—“

The camera cuts out.] 

—

[Cass is sitting on the floor, strumming out chores on her guitar. Damian sits next to her playing his viola in a softer tone as to not drown out Cass’s playing. Jason is lying on the floor with Pam, singing a vaguely familiar song. It’s a very informal music session, but that doesn’t take away from how good the three of them sound. 

“What are you singing?” Duke asks at the same time Steph blurts out “fuck dude you still listen to Breaking Benjamin?” 

Jason stops singing and sits up to look at Steph.

“Fuck dude you still listen to Justin Bieber?” He shoots back.

Tim, who was recording, snorts as Steph chucks a pillow at Jason.] 

—

_**The Children**_

**Tim** : I’m sorry Jason had a thing with Black Mask????

 **Dick** : wow jay 

**Jason** : okay but at least I didn’t sleep with Slade Wilson

 **Tim** : WHAT

 **Duke** : I,,,explain 

**Dick** : I got drunk n we fucked

 **Duke** : that does not clear things up 

**Duke** : were you like,,,of age??

 **Dick** : jeez yes! I was like,,,20 something? Idk, me n Wally had broken up n I was sad and Slade was r8gt there 

**Jason** : I completely forgot you and Wally had broken up for a hot second

 **Duke** : you were sad and lonely, so you fucked a mercenary who could kill you with one hand

 **Dick** : I got drunk first 

**Cass** : wow. I didn’t know you could get with someone who wasn’t a redhead 

**Jason** : HA

 **Duke** : wait how long were you and Wally broken up for??

 **Dick** : like 3 months

 **Tim** : can we please get back to the Jason and Black Mask thing 

**Tim** : how did that even work 

**Jason** : we just cuddled a lot. Did some light making out on the occasion 

**Tim** : he doesn’t have a face 

**Jason** : and you don't have a spleen

 **Dick** : did u do the pillow talk thing 

**Tim** : does Artemis know???

 **Jason** : yes Artemis knows. I was still technically with him when I met her and she thought it was the funniest shit

 **Cass** : was he respectful of your boundaries?

 **Jason** : yeah

 **Duke** : that surprising 

**Tim** : I am shocked and delighted to learn of this information

 **Tim** : I will never let you live this down 

**Jason** : it lasted like, a month

 **Tim** : I Will Never Let You Live This Down 

**Jason** : what about Dick and Slade? You gonna just forget about that?

 **Tim** : in hindsight it’s actually not that surprising 

**Dick** : woah now 

**Dick** : wtf does that mean 

**Tim** : you know exactly what it means, Dickolas

 **Tim** : but more importantly we should be talking about Damian, who has remained awfully silent these past few minutes 

**Damian** : don’t you fucking dare 

**Tim** : DAMIAN HAS AN ORCHESTRA CONCERT THIS FRIDAY AND HE LANDED A SOLO

 **Damian** : I’m going to strangle you

 **Tim** : please do

 **Tim** : I’ll crouch down so you can reach my neck 

**Cass** : Aw, I’m so proud of you Damian! 

**Dick** : WAT

 **Dick** : Y DIDNT U SAY ANYTHING 

**Duke** : congrats, that amazing!

 **Jason** : awww look at you go, Dami. Getting concert solos and keeping secrets from the family 

**Jason** : I remember my first concert solo 

**Dick** : DAMIAN

 **Damian** : I didn’t say anything because you guys were going to make a big deal about it

 **Cass** : well of course we are, getting a concert solo is wonderful! 

**Dick** : did U tell Alfred????

 **Dick** : pls tell me u told Alfred

 **Damian** : of course I did. I’m not a monster. He, Selina, Father and Jon are all going 

**Dick** : u invite ur boyfriend but not us, ur siblings???

 **Damian** : I was going to ask Cass if she wanted to come. And perhaps Duke

 **Cass** : 🥰

 **Duke** : 👌🏾

 **Dick** : D:

 **Jason** : what time is it? 

**Damian** : no

 **Jason** : I’m gonna find out one way or another, little man

 **Jason** : it’s up to you how I do it 

—

_A YouTube video titled ‘Wayne Family Tik Toc’s to cure Your depression’ -- cont._

[“Cassandra, have I told you that I love you today?” Steph’s voice comes from behind the camera, which is trained on Cass. 

Cass looks up. She is sitting in a rocking chair, curled up with a book in hand. She shakes her head yes. 

“Well, I’ll tell you again.” Steph says. “Cass, light of my life, I love you.”

Cass smiles.]

\--

[The camera opens up onto Tim. He looks exhausted. Terry and Helena are crying in the background.

“I have decided that I hate kids.” Tim says.]

\--

[Jason is on the couch, squinting up at the television as he picks a show on Netflix to watch. It’s obvious he’s struggling to read the text.

Tim, who is sitting next to him, throws a piece of popcorn at him. “What are you, Jarrod, nineteen?”

“I fucking wish.” Jason replies. 

Duke, who is holding the camera, laughs.]

\--

[“Wallace!” Dick is holding the camera, which is trained on the entryway to the living room. He is calling for Wally, voice sounding angry. “Wallace Rudolph West-Grayson!”

“What?” Wally pokes his head through the entryway. “What did I do?”

Dick doesn’t say anything, and Wally looks increasingly nervous.

“Did I forget something?” Wally asks. 

“No.” Dick pauses. “I just wanted to tell you I love you.”

Wally stares. He clearly wasn’t expecting that. “You--I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to bust past my writer's block since I've got a 7000 word short story due sunday, and so I present to you the most self indulgent thing I've ever written
> 
> (and people keep commenting that 'oh, Dick isn't gay!' or 'not all the batkids can be gay!' and i'm tired of reading them so half of this was purely written out of spite and the other half was becasue my friend said I wouldn't post it)


	18. Chapter 18

**Dick Grayson** _@blackandblue - 2h_

Damian won’t let me drive him to his concert what kind of cruel torture is this

|  
|

**Duke Thomas** _@knightofduke - 2h_

_@blackandblue_ you’re just not Dami’s favorite anymore sucks to suck I guess

_9k likes, 10k retweets, 247 comments_

\--

_Jon Kent-Lane’s Instagram page, updated at 5:59pm_

[a selfie of Jon, Duke and Damian. Jon and Duke are in the passenger and drivers seat of a car, respectively. Damian is in the back seat. He is wearing a tuxedo with his viola case sitting in the seat next to him. He’s frowning at the camera, while Duke and Jon are smiling. Damian’s hair is, surprisingly, still pink. Jon has captioned it _concert night!_ ] 

\--

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Snapchat Story, Updated at 6:35pm_

[Most of the family is gathered in the foyer of the manor—Jason and Tim are hovering off in a corner, both with their phones out. Dick is standing by the door and sulking. Wally is with him. Bruce, Alfred, and Selina are right by the door. Clark and Lois are coming inside, Kon trailing awkwardly behind them. Duke and Damian are the only ones gone. 

Bruce is Holding both Terry and Helena. Selina comes up and takes Terry from him, and Bruce smiles at her before turning to look back at Clark. 

“Don’t kill my kids.” He says.

Clark frowns. “I’m not going to kill your kids.” 

“I won’t let him kill your kids, Bruce.” Lois steps in and smoothly takes Helena from Bruce.

Bruce looks at his arms, baffled.

Steph, who is standing next to Cass, snorts.] 

—

**Jason** : what’s going on with you and Kon?

**Tim** : there’s nothing going on

**Jason** : you're hiding in the corner with me, Tim

**Jason:** and usually you and Kon are making out by now 

**Jason** : what’s going on?

**Tim:** I don’t want to talk about it right now 

—

**Stephanie Brown** _@spoileralert - 2m_

Selina really said “come on children let’s go embarrass your brother” 

\--

**Steph** : what’s up with Tim?

**Steph** : he’s all sulky and it’s weirding me out

**Jason** : I don’t know, he won’t tell me 

\--

_Duke Thomas’ snapchat story, updated at 6:55pm_

[the camera opens to the floor, and then Duke pans it over. They’re in an auditorium, and sitting next to him is Bruce, Jason, Dick and Wally. Jason has his phone out and is quickly texting someone, Dick and Wally are bent together and talking quietly, and Bruce is staring blankly at the stage below them. The curtains are closed, but the concert is supposed to start any minute. 

“I miss my kids.” Bruce says.

Jason snaps his head up, phone forgotten in his hand. “We’re _right_ here.”

“I miss my well behaved kids.” Bruce amends. 

Now Dick looks up. “Wha--they’re babies. Babies are never well behaved.” 

“Compared to you two, Terry and Helena are like angels.” Bruce looks over at Dick, then Wally. He looks thoughtful for a moment, then turns back to the stage. “Lucky for me, Wally gets to deal with you now.” 

Wally laughs and Dick lets out a strangled shriek. The woman in front of them turns around to shush them.] 

\--

_Jason Todd-Wayne update his instagram page at 9:15pm_

[a photo of Damian and Jon. The concert has finished and Damian has just come from the auditorium and into the hall, where everyone is waiting for him. Jon is standing in front of Damian with a smile and holding out a rose to him. Damian is looking at it with wide eyes. Jason has captioned it _they’re disgustingly adorable_ ] 

\--

_Dick Grayson-Wayne updated his Instagram page at 9:25pm_

[it’s a video of Damian’s solo. Dick has captioned it with far too many heart eye emojis] 

\--

_**The Wild Wild West 🤠** _

**Jaylad** : who wants to go on a late night walmart run

**Jaylad** : Steph is coming 

**Shooty McShootson** : I’m always down for late night walmart trips 

**Battle Axe Bandit** : why are you going to Walmart at ten o’ clock at night?

**Jaylad** : Tim is sad so I’m gonna buy him a roomba

**Jason’s favorite** : what is roomba?

**Space Princess** : A roomba?

**Shooty McShootson** : your family is fucking weird jay

**Jaylad** : I’m also getting Damian that disgusting ice cream he likes

**Jaylad** : since I’m such a good sibling 

**Space Princess** : mint chocolate chip is good

**Jaylad** : you’re dead to me Kori

**Jaylad** : dead

**Shooty McShootson** : says the guy who likes butter pecan ice cream

**Jaylad** : you’re dead to me too

\--

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s snapchat story, updated at 9:47pm_

[they are back at the manor. Clark is asleep on the couch in the living room with Helena sleeping on his chest. His glasses are crooked and nearly falling off his face. Lois is still awake and holding Terry, who is also still awake, if not a little grumpy. Kon is nowhere in sight. 

“Did they behave for you?” Selina asks. 

“Like little angels.” Lois answers, standing as Selina walks over to her. Terry coos, reaching out for Selina. 

“Anything happen?” Bruce asks this while glancing at Clark. He hesitates for a moment, then gently takes Helena from his arm. Helena opens her eyes, but when she sees that it’s just Bruce, she closes them again and wiggles closer. 

Lois shakes her head. “Quiet as a mouse out there.” 

Terry gurgles as Selina takes him from Lois.] 

\--

**Dick** : u did really good 2nite Dami

**Dick** : I’m proud of u

**Damian:** thank you

\--

**Lois:** are you coming back down or staying the night?

**Jon** : I was gonna stay the night

**Jon** : if that’s alright

**Lois** : That’s fine with me. Just be home before 1 tomorrow. Remember, Ma and Pa are coming to visit. 

\--

**Jason** : does Jon want a specific kind of ice cream or is he a monster like you who likes mint chocolate chip

**Damian** : what makes you think Jon is still here?

**Jason:** Damian

**Jason** : That kid doesn't leave our house unless someone makes him

**Damian** : …

**Damian** : he says vanilla 

\--

**Jason Todd-Wayne** \- _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30m_

One roomba is for @beammeupdaddy because he’s sad. The other is for Alfred because I feel bad that he vacuums all the time [attached is a picture of a shopping cart. In it are two roombas, vanilla ice cream, mint chocolate chip ice cream, and a pack of glowsticks] 

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** \- _@beammeupdaddy - 27m_

Are you seriously buying me a roomba because you want to make me less sad

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** - _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 15m_

Yeah. is it working?

\--

**Tim** : you’re not even going to hang around for five minutes to talk to me? _(Message sent at 9:40pm)_

_Kon read message at 9:40pm_

**Tim** : fuck you ( _Message sent at 10:37pm)_

\--

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _@beammeupdaddy - 3m_

_@iamtheaceupmysleeve_ A little bit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was a choir kid, not an orchestra kid


	19. Chapter 19

_**The Complete Fam** _

**Batdad🦇** : Jason

**First Middle Child** : Father 

**Batdad🦇** : why are there sixteen Roombas in my house 

**First Middle Child** : Alfred’s roomba got lonely 

**First Middle Child** : and there’s 17

**First Middle Child** : last one is in the cave

**First Middle Child** : it’s got a knife taped to it

**Batdad🦇** : why?

**First Middle Child** : updated security system 

—

**Tim** : can you just talk to me? ( _message sent at 3:07am <)_

_Kon read message at 3:08am_

**Tim** : Kon, please ( _message sent at 2:49pm)_

_Kon read message at 3:00pm_

\--

_**The Complete Fam** _

**The Eldest** : wait

**The Eldest** : won’t BatRoomba b lonely in the cave by himself?

**First Middle Child** : you’re right 

**New Recrute** : you named it already??

**Batdad🦇** : Jason no

**Batdad🦇:** This is not what your savings account is for

**First Middle Child** : sorry Bruce I can’t hear you over the sound of my 18 roombas

\--

**Steph** : hey Timmy

**Steph:** you okay? 

**Tim** : I’m fine

**Steph** : but not okay

**Tim** : …

**Steph** : come down to the kitchen

**Steph** : Jason and Alfred are making brownies and Dami’s got a bowl of batter to eat

**Steph** : I’ll make him share it

**Tim** : yeah, okay

\--

_**The Complete Fam** _

**First Middle Child** : you know what I just realized

**First Middle Child** : Dami isn’t the baby anymore

**The Baby™️:** So?

_**First Middle Child** changed **The Baby™️** to **TaterTot Casserole**_

**TaterTot Casserole** : put it back

**First Middle Child** : no 

**Batdad🦇** : I just heard a crash

**Batdad🦇** : why did I just hear a crash

**First Middle Child** : Damian just T H R E W Alf’s bamboo cutting board at me

**TaterTot Casserole** : and i’ll do it again

**First Middle Child** : FINE if you wanna be that way

_**First Middle Child** changed **TaterTot Casserole** to **Fucking Gremlin Child👿**_

_**Batlur** changed **Fucking Gremlin Child** to **Freaking Gremlin Child👿**_

**New Recruit** : ya’ll are literally in the same room rn 

**The Eldest** : money in the swear jar Jason!

**First Middle child** : you don’t even live here anymore you can’t tell me to put money in the swear jar

**Batlur:** A quarter to the swear jar, master Jason

**First Middle Child** : fine

\--

_**The Children** _

**Jason** : alright Tim, we need to talk

**Tim** : There’s nothing to talk about

**Dick** : talk about what? 

**Damian** : Tim has been moping all week and some of us are concerned 

**Damian** : not me, of course 

**Duke** : yes you are you liar 

**Dick** : r u okay timmy??

**Tim:** I’m fine, seriously 

**Cass** : no, you’re not 

**Cass** : Tim, please. We’re worried about you

**Tim:** Fine, if it’ll get you to leave me alone about it

**Tim:** I told Kon I wanted to have a more serious relationship and he freaked and ran out on me

**Tim:** and I get it if he doesn’t want that but it’s been a week and he’s still ignoring my messages and I just want him to talk to me and give me a fucking answer

**Duke** : What do you mean more serious?

**Dick** : I thought u 2 were dating?

**Tim:** we were just hooking up it wasn’t anything serious 

**Jason:** so he just ghosted you?

**Tim** : It’s fine

**Tim** : I’ll get over it

—

_**Damian** is typing…  
 **Damian** sent message to **Jon**  
 **Jon** opened message_ [I’m going to kill your brother]  
 _ **Jon** is typing…  
 **Jon** sent message to **Damian**  
 **Damian** opened message_ [okay]   
_**Jon** is typing…  
 **Jon** sent message to **Damian**  
 **Damian** opened message_ [wait why]   
_**Damian** is typing…  
 **Damian** sent message to **Jon**  
 **Jon** opened message_ [screenshot of the text conversation]  
 __ **Jon** is typing…  
 **Jon** sent message to **Damian**  
 **Damian** opened message [oh i see. Yea go ahead] 

—

_**The Children** _

**Jason** : you shouldn’t have to just get over it

**Jason** : that’s bullshit Tim and you know that

**Tim** : It’s not like I can do anything else

**Tim** : he won’t talk to me

**Damian** : I’ll get him to talk to you

**Duke** : um

**Tim** : Damian do not

**Tim:** Damian 

**Tim** : Damian I swear to god 

\--

**Bruce:** Clark

**Clark** : yeah?

**Bruce** : why is my child asking me for kryptonite? 

**Clark** : um

**Clark:** which child? 

**Bruce** : Damian

**Clark** : oh. I have no idea 

**Clark** : let me go ask Jon

\--

**Jon** : dude what’s going on with you?

**Kon** : I don’t know what you’re talking about kid

**Jon:** you and Tim

**Jon** : what the heck Kon??

**Kon** : who told you?

**Jon** : Dami

**Jon** : seriously, Kon, what the heck? Last I checked you were ready to whisk Tim off and elope the second he asked you to 

**Jon** : Conner Kent don’t you dare ignore me

**Jon** : I know where you sleep

\--

**Clark** : relationship issues between Kon and Tim

**Clark** : that’s all I got out of him

**Bruce** : I see

\--

**Kon** : look, I panicked, okay? I didn’t know Tim felt the same way that I did and I panicked 

**Jon:** then go tell him that

**Jon** : Jason bought him a roomba for gosh sakes

**Kon** : shit 

\--

_**The Children** _

**Damian** : Father won’t give me the kryptonite

**Dick** : well I should hope so

**Jason** : damn

**Jason** : that’s okay, I’ll just steal it

**Tim** : please for the love of god Do Not do that

\--

**Kon** : can we talk?

**Tim** : I don’t know, can we? 

**Kon** : I’m sorry Timmy 

**Kon** : I panicked and it was dumb of me to just run off like that

**Kon** : and I’d really like to talk

**Kon** : please 

**Tim** : fine

**Tim** : but you have to fly to Gotham

**Tim** : and pay for my coffee 

**Kon** : I can do that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jason got way too chaotic this chapter and Kon was just being a dumbass 
> 
> I am incapable of making angst last for more than a chapter, it seems


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think i've done this for this fic yet but you can pop in on tumblr and say hi @snap-dragon-pop

**Barbara Gordon** _@yourlocalknowitall - 3h_

Stop spreading lies that _@brucewayneoffical_ is a straight man that man is the most disaster bisexual I have ever met and that’s including _@blackandblue_

|  
|

**Dick Grayson-West** _@blackandblue - 3h_

Aw thanks 

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** \- _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h_

Wow _@blackandblue_ you finally changed your fucking name 

|  
|

**Dick Grayson-West** \- _@blackandblue - 2h_

Yeah sorry I was too busy being on my honeymoon in Hawaii with my beautiful husband and sitting on a beach and drinking martinis 

|  
|

**Stephanie Brown** \- _@spoileralert -2h_

Hi yeah can we get back to the part about _@brucewayneoffical_ being a disaster bisexual? 

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** \- _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h_

_@spoileralert_ this isn’t a new thing Bruce has been out for years like there’s a reason all of us are raging homosexuals in this family 

|  
|

**Stephanie Brown** \- _@spoileralert - 2h_

Oh I know but I never pass up an opportunity to make fun of Bruce on Twitter 

|  
|

**Conner Kent** \- _@flyboi - 2h_

I knew _@brucewayneoffical_ had a crush on my dad

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** \- _@beammeupdaddy - 2h_

_@flyboi_ which one

|  
|

**Conner Kent** \- _@flyboi - 2h_

Clark obviously 

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** \- _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h_

_@flyboi_ You’re my new favorite sibling in law

|  
|

**Conner Kent** \- _@flyboi - 2h_

Aw thanks 

|  
|

**Stephanie Brown** \- _@spolieralert - 2h_

_@iamtheaceupmysleeve_ I have never felt so betrayed 

|  
|

**Bruce Wayne** \- _@brucewayneoffical - 2h_

The only one of you who is actually married is Dick. The rest of you better stay unmarried for the next several years. 

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** \- _@beammeupdaddy - 2h_

_@brucewayneoffical_ is that a threat?

|  
|

**Bruce Wayne** \- _@brucewayneoffical - 2h_

If I find out you’re married to Conner then it will be

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** \- _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h_

_@brucewayneoffical_ You’re going to comment on that but not everything else 

|  
|

**Bruce Wayne** \- _@brucewayneoffical - 2h_

You’ve said it already Jason. I’ve been out for years. 

_12.7k likes, 17.9k retweets, 497 comments_

—

**Jason** : hey, do you remember back when I was fifteen and I said I wanted top surgery and you had set aside the money for that cuz I need to be a little bit older? 

**Bruce:** yes, I do 

**Jason** : did you ever like, get rid of that money?

**Bruce** : no, I kept it, Jaylad. It’s still in the savings account

**Jason:** oh

**Jason** : okay 

**Jason** : I think I want top surgery again 

—

**Barbara Gordon** \- _@yourlocalknowitall - 1h_

_@iputaringonit_ is also bi I think that’s important to note 

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** \- _@iamtheaceupnysleeve - 1h_

Wow both my parents are bi how cool is that 

|  
|

**Dick Grayson-West** \- _@blackandblue - 1h_

Wait are we all bi in this family?

|  
|

**Damian Wayne** \- _@animalsarefriendanotfood - 1h_

I’m gay, Richard

|  
|

**Cassandra Cain-Wayne** - _@blackandyellow - 1h_

Me too 

|  
|

**Dick Grayson-West** - _@blackandblue - 1h_

Ah shoot my bad 

_9k likes, 12.1k retweets, 472 comments_

—

**Dick Grayson-West** \- _@blackandblue - 30m_

Some woman just tweeted at me to stop parading my sexuality around Ma’am I am married to a man I don't know what you want me to do 

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** \- _@beammeupdaddy - 30m_

Divorce 

|  
|

**Wally Grayson-West** \- _@gottagofast - 30m_

Please do not 

_5k likes, 9k retweets, 216 comments_

—

_**The Wild Wild 🤠** _

**Jaylad** \- so I’ve been thinking 

**Shooty McShootson** \- that’s dangerous 

**Jaylad** \- shut up

**Jaylad** \- but I’ve been thinking that I want top surgery

**Shooty McShootson** \- OH

**Shooty McShootson** \- okay 

**Jason’s Favorite** \- top surgery? 

**Jaylad** \- you know how I have boobs, B

**Jason’s Favorite** \- yes

**Jaylad** \- top surgery is where I get rid of them

**Jason’s Favorite** \- okay

**Jason’s Favorite** \- that good then 

**Space Princess** \- that’s a big step, Jason

**Jaylad** \- yeah, but I’m ready for it, I think 

**Jaylad** \- I know I’ll actually wake up this time 

**Jaylad** \- I think 

**Battleaxe Bandit** \- we’re coming over 

**Jaylad** \- thank you 

—

_**The Complete Fam** _

**Second Middle Child** \- I wasn’t aware six people and two babies a dog could all fit on the living room couch but they are certainly doing it 

**The Eldest** \- aw I want to b in a cuddle pile :(

**Batdad🦇** : who's on the couch? 

**Freaking Gremlin Child👿** \- Jason and his delinquent friends 

**First Middle Child** \- you’re just jealous 

**The Eldest** \- ya I am 

—

_**Underappreciated squad** _

**Jason❤️** : if you tell anyone in this family about this I will not hesitate to shoot you

**Jason❤️** : I want to get top surgery 

**Jason❤️** : but I’m scared that I won’t wake up from the anesthetic 

**Jason❤️** : which is dumb because I know I will

**Duke💛** : Jay, that’s not dumb 

**Steph💜** : that is the furthest thing from dumb, actually 

**Jason❤️** : yes it is dumb

**Duke💛** : no it’s not

**Duke💛** : and I’m gonna join your cuddle pile to show you how not dumb it is 

**Jason❤️** : I don’t think there’s room on this couch 

**Duke💛** : make room 

—

**Alfred** : If you wish to get top surgery, Master Jason, I’ll be there to ensure that you wake up and come back home

**Jason** : thanks, alf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would also like top surgery but my dad isn't a millionaire like Bruce (and also I'm projecting just a bit because I'm also scared that i wont wake up from the anesthetic for any surgery but also Jason Died Once and I headcanon that he's scared of unwillingly falling asleep/passing out in any capacity and not being able to wake up again)
> 
> Also, Selina is the distinguished bi and Bruce is the disaster bi and no I will not be taking criticism. thanks for coming to by ted talk now its time to get back to my regularly scheduled homework


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr @snap-dragon-pop

_**The coolest league members**_

**The Batman™️** : I’m bringing cookies to the meeting today 

**Country Bumpkin** : that’s very nice of you 

⚡️: are they poisoned

⚡️: is this some new science experiment 

**The Batman™️** : no

 **The Batman™️** : Jason is stress baking and my kitchen counters are full of cookies 

**The Batman™️** : if I wanted to poison you I would have already 

⚡️: excuse me

 **Wonder Woman** : give Jason hugs for me! 

—

**Wally** : why is my uncle asking me to help your dad bring cookies to the watchtower?

 **Wally** : I know im in Gotham right now but why 

**Dick** : Jason’s prob stress baking 

**Dick** : he’s got his consultation appt w/ the doc at the end of the week 4 his top sugary 

**Dick** : he won’t leave the kitchen much this week tbh 

**Dick** : take the sugar cookies if B tries 2 pawn any off on u

 **Wally** : You’re awful you know that

 **Dick** : but u married me anyway 

—

_**Underappreciated Squad** _

**Duke💛:** Jason 

**Duke💛** : I love you 

**Duke💛** : but I think you should maybe walk away from the kitchen 

**Duke💛** : go hold Terry for a little bit 

**Jason❤️** : why?

 **Steph💜** : Jay every single counter is covered with cookies 

**Steph💜** : you are holding your mixing bowl because there is no counter space

 **Jason❤️** : ...

 **Jason❤️** : huh 

**Steph💜** : did you even sleep last night?

 **Jason❤️** : no

 **Duke💛** : go take a nap with the twins 

—

**Wally:** I got whole box of sugar cookies 

**Dick:** god I love you 

—

 **Alfred** : Master Dick, you know I love having Master Jason in the kitchen.

 **Dick** : ya I’ll come get him 

—

_**The children** _

**Cass** : Dick where are you taking Jason?

 **Dick** : idk

 **Dick** : bowling i guess

 **Jason** : you’re taking me bowling?

 **Jason** : what are you, 50? 

**Dick** : u like bowling

 **Jason** : I like wii bowling

 **Jason** : there's a difference 

**Cass** : can I come? 

**Dick** : ya

 **Tim** : hold up wait I’m coming too

\--

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s snapchat story, updated at 2:58pm_

[the video is taken in a dimly lit bowling alley. Jason and Tim are sitting at a little table, Jason looking irritated as he ties his bowling shoes and Tim looking entirely confused as he stares at his own bowling shoes. If you look close enough, you can make out a smudge of flour on Jason’s cheek. 

“You’re supposed to put them on, dumbass.” Jason says. 

Tim frowns and pokes the shoes. “This can’t be sanitary.” 

“Tim,” Jason says slowly. “You regularly take dives into Gotham harbor.”

“Not willingly.” Tim shoots back.]

\--

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s snapchat story, updated at 3:07pm_

[Tim throws the ball down the alley, stumbling a little as he does. It makes it about halfway down before going into the gutter. 

“Have you ever bowled before?” Jason asks while Dick put’s a sympathetic hand on Tim’s shoulder.

“Yes.” Tim replies.

Jason stares at him. “Wii sports doesn’t count.”

“Oh. Then no.”] 

\--

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s snapchat story, updated at 3:49pm_

[They are all sitting at that little table from earlier with a plate of nachos in the center. Tim looks skeptical as he takes one. 

“You are such a rich kid,” Jason says. 

Tim frowns. “You’re also a rich kid, Jason.”

Jason blinks and Dick laughs.

Cass angels the camera to see the scoreboard from their game. She bowled a perfect score. Dick and Jason tied. Tim lost] 

\--

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s snapchat story, updated at 4:16pm_

[They have moved up a floor of the alley, where they have a laser tag room set up. They’ve all been suited up, and are now waiting for the go ahead to go in.

“Okay, so, two on two--” Jason is saying. “--I get Cass. You get Dick.”

“What? That’s not fair!” Tim frowns. “Both you and Cass shoot people on a weekly basis!”

The employee whose waiting with them looks concerned and takes a step away from them. 

“You get Dick, I get Cass.” Tim continues. 

“What? No! Dick has terrible aim.” 

“Exactly. You can pull his weight.” 

“Hey!” Dick finally butts into the conversation. “I do not have terrible aim.” 

“Yes you do.” Tim and Jason say at the same time.] 

\--

**Dick** : I think he’s tired enough 2 stay out of the kitchen 4 the night but I make no promises 4 later

 **Alfred** : That’s quite alright, Master Dick. I will be home tomorrow to keep an eye on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here is a very short one in which Jason hella stress bakes, but tomorrow I promise you a fun and much longer Halloween special 
> 
> we had back in my hometown a place where you could go bowling, roller skating and play laser tag, but I honesty don't know if it's still there. i hope it it, that place was dope


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr @snap-dragon-pop

_It’s Halloween-Town at Wayne Manor_

_By Erin Lauri_

The night before all Hallows Eve saw Bruce Wayne and his kids working hard to get the last of the highly anticipated decorations up and running, and it was certainly worth the wait. Wayne Manor will be a favorite stop among young and old Gothamites alike, and I’m ready to tell you all about it. 

[click here for full article]

_75k clicks_

—

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Snapchat story, updated at 6:37am_

[Bruce stumbles into the kitchen, heading straight for the already full coffee pot. He has Helena in his arms, and she lets out a gurgle and reaches up to slap his face. Bruce blinks, confused for a moment, then detours from the coffee pot to find a bottle and formula for her. 

Helena slaps his face again, then shrieks this time. 

“Yeah—I know.” Bruce opens a cupboard. A few plastic baby bottles fall out. “Its Breakfast time—your brother is never this needy—“

Helena slaps him again.] 

—

_Ongoing facetime with Best BF Ever💕…_

“I honestly can’t believe you’re still up. You seriously spent all night setting up decorations?”

“I can’t believe you’re up. It’s not even seven yet—and don’t even talk to me about decorations, Mr. I Set Up A Corn Maze.” 

“Yeah, well, comes with staying on the farm. If the chickens want you up you get up. And I also set up the corn maze a week before Ma and Pa actually needed it. And Kon helped me with it.” 

“I’d like to say my brothers helped but they mostly just yelled at each other.”

“Yeah, seems about right.”

“...”

“...”

“I wish you could come down to the farm today, Dami.”

“I could...ask Father, I suppose.”

“Really?” 

“It’s not like we don’t have enough people here to greet trick or treaters.” 

—

**Bruce** : we’re switching kids today, apparently 

**Clark** : we are?

**Bruce** : I’m getting Conner, you’re taking Damian

**Clark** : do I get a say in this

**Bruce:** I didn't 

—

_**The Complete Fam** _

**Batdad🦇:** before we go any further today, what are everyone’s plans?

**The Eldest** : I’m going back 2 Bludhaven after breakfast 

**The Eldest** : me n Wally r gonna hand out candy at our appt

**First Middle Child** : why are you even still here?

**The Eldest** : I ain't missing Alf's pancakes

**Freaking Gremlin Child 👿** : I’m going to the Kent’s farm to help them run their corn maze 

**First Middle Child** : I’ve got the haunted house to run in the back yard 

**Batdad🦇** : when did you set up a haunted house?

**Batdad🦇** : where did you set up a haunted house?

**First Middle Child** : don’t worry about it 

**Second Middle Child** : Kon and I are on candy duty with Alfred

**New Recruit** : Cass and I are helping Jason with the haunted house 

**The Favorite** : Steph is too! 

**Second Middle Child** : B, you and Selina are taking the twins trick or treating even tho they aren’t even four months old yet and I don’t understand that logic 

**New Recruit** : and Aunt Kate is gonna patrol tonight to make sure the rouges stay outta trouble 

**Batdad🦇** : Kate is coming over?

**Mama:** well, sounds like everything’s handled 

—

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Snapchat story, updated at 7:22am_

[the kitchen is fuller now. Bruce is sitting at the table, now holding Terry and bottle feeding him. Selina is next to him with a sleeping Helena. Alfred is at the stove making pancakes, and Jason is helping. Cass Swings the camera over to Dick, who is sitting next to her and typing away in his phone, then swings it back to the entryway as Damian walks in. 

There’s a shuffle, and the camera cuts back to Jason, who is moving things around the counter with a frown.

“Where’s the candy corn?” He asks. 

Bruce looks up. “The candy corn is gone?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry.” Dick speaks up, still typing away at his phone. “Me and Wally ate it last night.”

There is a moment of silence. 

“That was a two pound bag.” Damian says.

“I’m actually going to kill you for real.” Jason says at the same time. 

“No you won’t.” Dick finally looks up at his phone and towards Bruce. “Right, Bruce?” 

Bruce stays silent. 

—

**Cass** : Jason is ready to commit murder

**Steph** : babe, he’s always ready to commit murder 

**Cass** : yes 

**Cass** : but Bruce is not trying to stop him 

**Steph** : what, did someone eat their candy corn 

**Steph** : oh god someone really ate their candy corn didn’t they 

**Steph** : tell them to calm down, I’ll bring them a new bag jesus 

—

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Snapchat Story Updated at 7:34am_

[Steph walks into the kitchen with a Walmart bag in one hand and a Starbucks cup in the other. She gives the Starbucks to Cass, then reaches into the Walmart bag and chucks a bag of candy corn at Jason. His back is turned to her as she throws it, but he catches it none the less. She gives the other bag of candy corn to Bruce more gently.

“You’re my favorite sibling in law again.” Jason says. 

“I was always your favorite sibling in law, Jason, don’t kid yourself.” Steph replies. “Full offense to Conner.”

“What about Wally?” Dick asks. “He’s your _actual_ sibling in law.”

“Wally ate all my candy corn.” Jason replies. “Until further notice, he’s my least favorite.”

Duke walks in then, and after looking around he sighs.] 

—

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Snapchat story, updated at 7:39am_

[Jason has set his bag of candy corn on the counter between him and Alfred. They are both eating from it.]

—

**Jon** : me and Kon are gonna head over in an hour 

**Jon** : you should probably wake Tim up 

**Jon** : at least I'm assuming he's asleep since he just stopped texting Kon back

**Dami** : it’s not my job to act as his alarm clock

**Jon** : well, I never said you had to be nice about it

—

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Snapchat story updated at 7:49am_

[Tim comes wandering into the kitchen, wearing a pair of sweat pants and a Smallville High School sweater. He does not look happy. 

Damian follows after him, looking significantly more happy.

Alfred wordlessly hands Tim a cup of coffee.]

—

**Kon** : you awake sleepy head?

**Tim** : Unfortunately 

**Kon** : Aw, too early for you?

**Tim** : it is eight in the god damn morning

**Tim** : no one is up at eight except for crazy people and you 

**Kon** : do you want me to make a Starbucks stop

**Tim** : please 

—

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Snapchat story updated at 8:18am_

[Pam comes trotting into the kitchen with her tail wagging and Jason following behind her. She has a sheet over her with holes cut for her eyes and muzzle. 

“Jason, why is your dog wearing a sheet?” Bruce asks.

“It’s her Halloween costume. She’s a ghost.” 

Cass pans the camera over to Damian. He’s staring at Pam.

“...that's really cute.” He mumbles.]

—

_Jon Kent-Lane’s Instagram page, updated at 12:19pm_

[A selfie of him and Damian taken in front of a corn maze. Jon is wearing a straw hat, flannel and overalls. He has two red circles painted on his cheeks, and his nose is painted red as well in an imitation of a scarecrow. Damian has on a cowboy hat, red flannel to match Jon’s, and a red bandana around his neck. They’re both smiling, and Jon has captioned it ‘Can you believe Damian didn’t have a Halloween costume?’

_9k likes, 289 comments_

\--

**Jason Todd-Wayne** \- _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h_

Bruce and Selina are dressing up as Gomez and Morticia and honestly I don’t know why I expected anything different

_8k likes, 9k retweets, 282 comments_

\--

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s snapchat story updated at 4:39pm_

[a series of photos. The first is of Bruce, Selina, and the twins. They are dressed as Gomez and Morticia, and Terry and Helena are dressed as Pugsley and Wednesday. 

The next is of Jason, Artemis, Duke, and Pam. Jason has donned a sheet similar to Pam. Artemis is standing next to him, also in a sheet. Duke is also wearing a sheet. All three of them are wearing sunglasses. Cass has added a caption to this photo that says ‘stay tuned for the ghost photo shoot 👻’

The next is a photo that has been sent to Cass. It is of Dick and Wally in their apartment. They are dressed as Jack and Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas.

The next is a short video of Tim and Conner in the manor kitchen. They are dressed like Sandy and Danny from Grease, and Conner is loudly singing Danny’s part of Summer Nights and trying to get Tim to sing along with him. Tim is ignoring him, and keeps filling a large orange bowl with king sized candy bars. 

Next is a selfie of her and Steph. Cass is smiling, and she has a bloodied ski mask propped up on her forehead so you can still see her face. She is also holding a machete. Steph has a jack-o-lantern on her head. It is unclear whether it is a real pumpkin or not. 

The last photo is of Alfred. He is standing in the foyer of the manor. He is wearing a headband with gray cat ears.]

\--

**Tim Drake-Wayne** \- _@beammeupdaddy - 2m_

Ya’ll better hit up the manor first on your trick or treat routes because Conner keeps trying to eat the candy and I’m not sure how much longer I can fend him off 

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** \- _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1m_

_@flyboi_ don’t make me come back inside and beat your ass

|  
|

**Duke Thomas** \- _@knightofduke - 1m_

Or just like, sic Alfred on him

\--

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s snapchat story updated at 5:59pm_

[a photo of the old greenhouse in the manor's yard. It’s gone fully haunted house--a dense fog has settled near the ground, a very realistic cemetery has been set up off to the side, and the dirt path leading to the greenhouse is scattered with jack-o-lanterns and candles. Cass has added a caption of ‘we’re officially taking victims’] 

\--

_Damian Wayne’s Instagram page, updated at 8:37pm_

[a photo of Jon, still in his scarecrow outfit. He’s standing at the exit of the corn maze with a bucket of candy, handing a few pieces to the group exiting the maze. The only caption Damian has added is ‘Happy Halloween’]

_24.9k likes, 316 comments_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a safe and happy Halloween!


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr @snap-dragon-pop

_**The Complete Fam** _

**The Eldest** : so um

**The Eldest** : I found a baby in a trash can

**Second Middle Child** : put it back

**Freaking Gremlin Child👿** : you found a baby?

**Second Middle Child** : Bruce isn’t ready to be a grandpa yet 

**New Recruit** : why is that your concern

**The Eldest** : idk what 2 do Wally is in central helping Barry rn

**First Middle Child** : is it alive?

**The Eldest** : yeah

**First Middle Child** : congratulations you’re now a Father 

**Batdad🦇** : I’m sorry you found a baby?

**The Eldest** : ya

**Batlur** : I do hope you’re on your way to the manor, Master Dick 

—

_Wally Grayson-West _has one new voice mail from _Husband🍑💙___

__“Hey, uh—can you—can you call me? After you get done beating up a gorilla, of course. But um—yeah I—I need you to call me. Please. I love you.”_ _

___Message ended_ _ _

__

__—_ _

__

__**_Underappreciated squad_ ** _ _

__**Steph💜** : I’m sorry dick found a BABY???_ _

__**Duke💛** : yeah _ _

__**Duke💛** : he’s on his way to the manor right now _ _

__**Jason❤️** : bring some popcorn_ _

__**Steph💜** : ofc i will _ _

__

__—_ _

__

___**The Complete Fam** _ _ _

__**Second Middle Child** : we’re telling Babs, right_ _

__**The Eldest** : no we r not_ _

__**Second Middle Child** : too late I already called her_ _

__**The Favorite** : Dick are you texting and driving? _ _

__**The Eldest** : no_ _

__**Batdad🦇** : Richard John Grayson-West put your phone down and focus on driving _ _

__**Batdad🦇** : you have a child in the back seat _ _

__—_ _

__

___Wally Grayson-West_ is calling _Husband🍑💙…__ _

___…_ _ _

___…_ _ _

__

__“Wally?”_ _

__“I got your—is everything okay?”_ _

__“Yeah, no, everything’s fine. I just, uh—I just suddenly understand why Bruce adopted so many kids.”_ _

__“...explain.”_ _

__“I found a baby in a dumpster.”_ _

__“...”_ _

__“...”_ _

__“What?’_ _

__“I was on duty today and I was driving by an alley and I heard crying so I got out to look and someone just dumped a baby in a dumpster and she was--Wally, she was wrapped up in a dirty wet blanket and she was crying and I wasn’t just gonna leave her--”_ _

__“Dick, where are you?”_ _

__“The manor.”_ _

__“I’ll be right there.”_ _

__

___Call ended_ _ _

__

__—_ _

___From Jason Todd-Wayne’s Snapchat memories_ _ _

__[the video is being taken in the living room. Dick is standing in the center, holding a bundle of fluffy white blankets. If you look closely there’s a pudgy little face just barely visible and looking up at Dick with wide eyes. Damian is standing next to Dick, standing on his tip toes as he tried to get a good look at the baby. Alfred is there as well, with a baby bottle in his hand. Everyone else is scattered on the couches or the floor._ _

__“You should try and feed her now,” Alfred is saying. “She’s calmed down, now, and who knows when she’ll start fussing again.”_ _

__Dick takes the bottle from Alfred with a quiet thanks. He holds it in front of the babies face, and she reaches forward to pull it closer to her mouth._ _

__Wally comes into the room then. He looks disheveled. His clothes are rumpled and his hair is a tangled mess. He looks a little frightened, but as soon as he looks at Dick his eyes soften and he relaxes._ _

__“Oh.” Wally mumbles._ _

__Dick looks up and smiles at Wally. “Hey, babe.”_ _

__Wally walks over to him, peering at the baby._ _

__The baby pushes the bottle out of the way so she can coo at Wally, reaching to grab onto him. Wally holds up a hand, and the baby immediately takes hold of his finger. She coos and babbles, then laughs._ _

__“Oh.” Wally repeats._ _

__“As I was telling Master Dick, she seems perfectly healthy,” Alfred turns to address Wally and fill him in. “But I recommend going to see a pediatrician, as I am in no way an expert on babies.”_ _

__Wally nods and looks up at Dick. Dick is looking at the baby._ _

__“I like the name Mari,” Dick says._ _

__Jason swings the camera to Bruce._ _

__“How do you feel about being a grandpa?” he asks._ _

__Bruce, who is holding Terry, lets out a deep sigh.]_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> every time I sit down to write this it just devolves further and further
> 
> I'm sorry this one is so short, but we'll get into more baby Mari next time, I promise (I'm also writing a fic thats just Wally West and his hot neighbor, single dad Dick Grayson, so stay tuned for that)


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr @snap-dragon-pop

**Jason Todd-Wayne** \- _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h_

Bruce keeps complaining that he’s a grandpa when he’s not even forty like it’s my fault he decided to have a ten year old kid when he was 24 shut up you’re 38

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _\- @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h_

This is on you B. You had a kid at 24 now your kid is gonna have a kid at 24

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** \- _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h_

Monkey see monkey do and all that bullshit 

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** \- _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h_

Should have thought about that before you decided to have all these god damn kids 

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** \- _@beameupdaddy - 1h_

_@iamtheaceupmysleeve_ aren’t you supposed to be in surgery rn

|  
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**Jason Todd-Wayne** \- _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h_

Yeah but I’m waiting for the sleepy juice to kbmb,-

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _\- @beammeupdaddy - 1h_

Jason? 

|  
|

**Tim Drake-Wayne** \- _@beammeupdaddy - 29m_

Oh my fucking god he fucking dead

_7k likes, 9k retweets, 370 comments_

—

**_The Children_ **

**Dick:** who let me have a child 

**Dick** : who thought this was a good idea 

**Tim:** oh no he’s using full words

**Duke** : must be serious 

**Dick** : no seriously who let me keep this child 

**Tim:** you were the one who went baby dumpster diving not us 

**Cass:** do you need me to call Wally

**Dick** : I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic and I don’t like it 

**Dick** : but yes 

**Dick** : my hands are full of baby 

**Tim** : then how the hell are you texting??

**Dick:** voice to text 

**Damian:** so that’s why he’s using full sentences

**Damian** : he’s not even typing them 

**Tim** : can you not just 

**Tim:** tell Siri to call Wally 

**Duke** : be nice to him Tim, Dick’s lost some brain cells since last nights patrol 

**Tim** : oh shit yeah 

**Tim** : that wall still kicking your ass, Dick? 

**Dick** : I hate all of you 

—

_Ongoing call to Husband😘💍💕 …_

“No, I’m okay now, I promise.”

“Are you sure? Because I’ll come home--”

“Really, I am. She’s stopped crying now and I--I’m sorry babe, I’m just--stressed about this whole adoption thing. I swear that I can handle a baby tantrum and--and we really need diapers please don’t come home.”

“Ah. I see how it is.” 

“No, that’s not what I--please come after you buy diapers. I miss you immensely, my dearest husband, and I would be devastated if you didn’t come home.” 

“As would I, my lovely husband.”

“...I’m gonna call Bruce later and see if he’ll come over and help us fill out these papers.” 

“Yeah, that’s probably a good--why _haven't_ we done that yet?”

“Jason’s top surgery is today. Bruce is staying at the hospital with him.” 

“Oh, yeah, that’s right.” 

\--

**Damian** : I was not aware that one man could pace so much

**Jon** : oh?

**Damian** : Jason went into surgery a few minutes ago and father has already walked the length of the waiting room at least fifteen times

**Jon** : What’s Alfred doing?

**Damian** : playing candy crush on his phone

**Damian** : Artemis is helping him

**Jon** : wait

**Jon** : Alfred plays candy crush???

_**Damian** sent photo_

[it’s a slightly blurry shot of Alfred and Artemis. They are sitting in green cloth chairs in a hospital waiting room. Alfred is holding his phone in front of him, and Artemis has her head on Alfred’s shoulder as she points at something on the phone. Bruce is seen in the background, paper cup of coffee in hand while he paces.]

**Jon** : that is the greatest thing i’ve ever seen

**Jon** : besides you

\--

**Tim Drake-Wayne** _\- @beammeupdaddy - 23m_

_@iamtheaceupmysleeve_ are you still dead?

_2k likes, 2.5k retweets, 58 comments_

\--

_**The Children** _

**Duke** : how’s the baby situation going

**Dick** : good she went 2 sleep 

**Tim** : and he’s back

**Dick** : me n Wally are trying 2 figure out how 2 put together a crib

**Duke** : wait you guys don’t have a crib yet

**Tim** : what the fuck Richard

**Cass** : do you need help?

**Dick** : it’s been 3 days since i’ve been a father leave me alone 

**Dick** : yes 

\--

**Damian** : come get your husband

**Selina** : he’s yours for the day

**Selina** : sorry kid

\--

_Damian Wayne’s snapchat story, updated at 12:03pm_

[a picture of Bruce. They are outside the hospital and standing outside of a starbucks. Damian has added a caption of ‘Alfred kicked him out and told him to ‘go calm down outside, sir.’]

\--

_Damian Wayne’s snapchat story, updated at 12:23pm_

[a picture of a cardboard cup holder. There are three drinks in it, one is a peppermint mocha, one is a vanilla bean frapp, and one is a matcha latte. Damian has circled the peppermint mocha and added a caption of ‘Jason’s not even awake to drink it’]

\--

**Jason Todd-Wayne** \- _@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1m_

_@beammeupdaddy_ I lived, bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DC should just hire me tbh. Me and all my dumb vine references 
> 
> listen, I'm too gay to know how to do math just go with me on these ages


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr @snap-dragon-pop

_**Stephanie Brown** has added **Cass💕💕💕💕, Dicky🍆, Wallace, Jay💕, Timmy, Konathan, Jonner, Arteslay, Still Baby, Duke** and **Babs** to a group chat_

_**Stephanie Brown** has renamed chat **Kids and In-laws**_

**Steph** : okay I have a question 

**Steph** : who the fuck knew that Alfred is a retired MI agent 

**Dicky🍆** : a wat

**Konathan** : well of course he is how else would he be able to deal with all of you 

**Timmy** : do you actually have proof????

**Timmy** : I’ve been trying to prove this for y e a r s

**Steph** : well no

**Steph** : but I did just watch him throw Bruce to the ground in a choke hold 

**Jay💕** : please tell me you recorded that 

**Steph** : of course i did 

**Babs** : I always figured Alfred was some sort of British intelligence officer, but I could never find any record of it 

**Babs** : and you know Alfred 

**Babs** : trying to get him to talk about his past is like trying to get Bruce to have an emotion 

**Wallace** : honestly I’m not entirely convinced that his isn’t some long lost god who just decided to hang around you crazy people

**Wallace** : no offense babe 

**Dicky🍆** : D:

**Still Baby** : don’t be ridiculous

**Still Baby** : Alfred is just Alfred 

**Wallace** : is he though?

**Wallace** : when’s the last time you saw him consume something that wasn’t tea

**Still Baby** : …

**Jonner** : thanks you broke my boyfriend 

**Wallace** : you’re welcome 

**Timmy:** wait Dami are you over at Jon’s????

**Still Baby** : yes

**Still Baby** : why?

**Timmy** : because I’m at Jon’s 

**Timmy** : how have I not see you 

**Konathan** : because you haven’t left my room in the last twelve hours 

**Timmy** : babe why didn’t you tell me my brother was here 

**Steph** : ANYWAY

**Steph** : back to my question 

**Duke** : why don’t you just ask him?

**Timmy** : because that takes all the fun out of it 

**Jay💕** : brb I’m gonna go ask Diana if Alfred is a god

**Dicky🍆** : do u just hav her #?

**Jay💕** : no but my girlfriend does 

**Arteslay** : I am not asking Wonder Woman if your grandfather is a god, Jason 

—

**Diana** : Bruce 

**Bruce** : yeah?

**Diana** : why are your children asking me if Alfred is a god 

**Bruce** : I raised them to be curious and analytical, Diana

**Diana** : Bruce 

**Bruce:** Fine 

**Bruce:** which one is asking you

**Diana:** Artemis is

**Diana:** which means it’s Jason

—

_**Kids and In-Laws** _

**Jay💕** : I got told off 

**Jay💕** : but that’s fine because I’m stuck at home for the next two months 

**Jay💕** : I’ll do some good old fashioned detective work 

**Timmy** : oh yeah that’s right I forgot your range of motion is limited to t-posing 

**Jay💕** : Cass you’ll help me right 

**Cass💕💕💕💕** : of course 

—

**Bruce** : but do you have an answer?

**Diana** : Bruce 

**Bruce** : I was also raised to be curious and analytical 

**Diana:** …

**Bruce** : its a valid question 

**Diana:** when's the last time you slept more than three hours

**Bruce** : I don't know

**Bruce:** I didn't realize babies cried so much

**Diana** : go take a nap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and the question as to whether Alfred Pennyworth is an old god will remain...unsolved 
> 
> I have nothing else to offer you this chapter i'm sorry


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr @snap-dragon-pop

**Stephanie Brown** _\- @spoileralert - 1h_

I just watched _@brucewayneoffical_ pull a cup of coffee from under a stack of papers on his desk and start drinking from it and idk how long it’s been sitting there

|  
|

**Stephanie Brown** _\- @spoileralert - 1h_

Should I be worried???

|  
|

**Jason Todd-Wayne** _\- @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h_

I mean,,,as long as there wasn’t mold on it

|  
|

**Stephanie Brown** _\- @spoileralert - 1h_

Idk if it’s mold but theres something floating in there

|  
|

**Alfred Pennyworth** _\- @a.pennyworth - 1h_

I would appreciate it, Ms. Brown, if you would take the coffee away from Master Bruce.

_7k likes, 12.1k retweets, 1946 comments_

\--

**_Kids and In-Laws_ **

**Steph** : alright 

**Steph** : which one of you fuckers gave Alfred a Twitter 

**Steph** : Tim

**Timmy** : why do you assume that I did it 

**Steph** : because Dick barely understands how to work his phone let alone twitter

**Dicky🍆** : :(

**Steph** : Jason Tweets too many incriminating things to get Alfred on Twitter 

**Jay💕** : true 

**Steph** : Damian only uses twitter to gush about his boyfriend and to get into arguments with Donald Trump 

**Duke** : everyday I ask myself why Damian hasn’t been banned yet

**Steph** : Babs loves Alfred too much to bring him into this hell hole

**Steph** : duke and Cass don’t care about twitter enough

**Steph** : and everyone else is too scared of Alfred to get within five feet of him

**Konathan** : he’s terrifying 

**Konathan** : and I’ll stand by that 

**Timmy** : as much as I want to take responsibility for this truly historic moment 

**Timmy** : I didn’t do it 

**Jay💕** : bullshit

**Timmy** : I didn’t!

\--

_Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Snapchat story, updated at 12:49pm_

[the video is being taken in Bruce’s office at the Wayne Enterprises building. Bruce is sitting in his chair and Steph is sitting up on his desk. She is trying to get his coffee mug, which Bruce is keeping out of reach. 

“Alfred said I had to take it from you!” Steph is saying.

Bruce frowns. “Why does Alfred even--never mind. Forget I asked.”

“I live tweet everything you do Bruce, you know this.” Steph responds anyway. 

Bruce stares at her. “...why are you even here?” 

“Bring your daughter to work day.” Steph answers. 

Bruce does not answer right away. “...you’re not my daughter.” he finally says. He doesn’t sound confident in that answer. The phone shakes a little as Cass silently laughs. 

“Daughter in law, same thing.” Steph reaches forward and snatchs the mug from Bruce. 

Bruce doesn’t try to get it back. He stares harder at Steph, then looks towards the camera. “You didn’t get--you’re not old enough--”

The video ends.] 

\--

**_The Complete Fam_ **

**Mama** : you all need to be nicer to your father

**First Middle Child** : why should I

**Mama** : because I’m tired of him calling me asking if anymore of his children got married off 

**The Favorite:** I’m not married I promise 

\--

**Dick** : ur not busy right?

**Jason:** just because I’m stuck at home doesn't mean I’m not busy

**Dick** : but r u???

**Jason** : I’m watching the twins

**Jason** : why 

**Dick** : Wally went in2 work 2day and Mari is being v fussy and shes really warm and she wont eat and idk wat 2 do

**Dick** : I think she’s sick

**Jason** : bring her over 

\--

_Wally Grayson-West_ has a new voicemail from _Husband🍑💙_

“Hey, don’t panic, but I think Mari is sick. I’m taking her to the manor--I texted Jason and he said to bring her over, so I don’t think it’s serious but, uh--yeah, if I’m not home that's why. Love you, babe.”

\--

**Jason:** you coming home anytime soon?

**Damian** : Jon and I are still doing school work

**Damian** : why?

**Jason** : Dick is bringing Mari over

**Jason** : she’s sick and we don’t have any flu meds and I’m not about to make Dick make a pit stop which a sick kid

**Damian** : understandable 

**Damian** : I’ll be home soon

**Damian** : text me what medicine you need

\--

Outgoing call to _Babs_ …

“It’s not anyone’s fault, Dick. Kids just get sick.”

“I--yeah, I know, but--”

“No, no buts. You didn’t do anything wrong, Wally didn’t do anything wrong, no one did anything wrong. Mari just probably caught something from Helena and Terry--they were sick last week.” 

“Yeah, I know. I just--I shouldn’t have to call my brother every time something goes wrong--”

“Dick, sweetheart, I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you’re not going to know everything about child raising. You didn’t even plan to have a kid, so why on earth would you know anything about raising a kid?”

“...I see your point, but I feel like I should be insulted.” 

“Yeah, okay, that didn’t come out right.” 

“Hmm,”

“What I mean is that you shouldn’t feel bad about asking for help if you don’t know what to do. Parenting is hard, and you and Wally aren’t always going to know what to do--hell, parents that actually plan to have kids don’t know what to do half the time. And sick babies are scary anyway. I’d rather you get help than ride it out.” 

“...why do you always have to be right?”

“Well, someone has to.”

“Hey--”

“Go take a nap with your kid.”

\--

_**Jason** sent a picture to **Babs**_

[a photo of Dick, Wally, and Mari. The three of them are lying in bed--Dick and Wally are curled up next to each other while Mari is sprawled across Dick’s chest. Wally has a hand on Mari’s back, and Dick has his hand on top of Wally’s. All three are asleep.]

**Jason** : I hope you’re happy

**Jason** : they took my bed

**Babs** : oh I’ve very happy

**Babs** : please tell me you sent that to Bruce

**Jason** : of course I did

**Jason** : now come over here and help me cook dinner

**Babs** : Why would I do that

**Babs** : I don’t live there

**Jason** : no, but Alfred has a twitter account now and I’m scared he’s going to try and poison us

**Babs** : yeah alright thats fair

**Babs** : I’ll bring dad with me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you believe I've spent thousands of dollars to get a degree in creative writing

**Author's Note:**

> i have so much I need to be doing with my life right now, but instead I wrote you this garbage fire


End file.
